serendipity in motion

Random Rambler by day, Closet Columnist by night...

2011-02-21T00:29:00.004+05:30

... And her name is the Mistress of Vices.

She's back! Well sort of.

For all those who are still reading this or might check in for any updates (I am truly surprised and grateful that you are), SIM is now putting her much maligned ideology down on paper. Catch my two (perverted) cents in the monthly column titled Mistress of Vices for FHM India.

Already at a newsstand near you in the February edition.

Love and lust,
;)

If In Time...

2009-06-25T18:12:00.004+05:30

If in time, I do realize, this path I chose to trudge is only mine... Lit with pride and gumption and a force benign... Unmasked and stripped of all glory divine. With nothing but resolve to steady my sight, I stand firm on virtues ever so unkind. Be proud now and forever more, for life is but a journey, to the end of your soul.

Yesterday I argued with a friend about how morality is the most malleable and abused of all human virtues. Cos the periphery of one persons sense of morality might be the infringement of another's. Also we tend to tweak our definition and understanding of what is morally acceptable and what isn't based on our own situation. How then can you sit on a moral high horse and judge others?

Be happy, be humble, be honest and be true. Those are the only virtues worth embracing and the only values worth undertaking.

It's your life, live it well.

The Forgotten One

2009-04-30T14:48:00.000+05:30

I saw it from afar... A faded image time had marred.
The silhouette of a girl piercing through otherwise vacant art.
Perhaps caught in a moment of abandon, dear to her heart.

Dressed in colours bright, with eyes black as tar.
Her mane fiercer than wind, rendered desires unmasked.
The face of an angel, lit by the glory of a hidden laugh.

Her journey unfolds, as she set out for the world at large.
Every scar unseen, she weaves in songs laid stark...
Of the melancholic beauty of life, that she lived on a lark.

Longing for a hand to hold, something new to start.
Wandering in hope, bursting with a hidden spark.
Dreaming like a child, ready to touch the stars.

She was the girl I saw in a photograph.
Look in the mirror, you can't tell us apart.
But she's a stranger... A ghost in the dark.

That girl was me, before she became my past.

A Forlorn Hope...

2009-04-14T15:11:00.001+05:30

He fights the darkness, as she rests in the grace of the night...
Nesting in the shadows of his warm embrace, her eternal beauty takes flight.

Hiding behind the bosom of her ever kind generosity,
he seeks shelter from that which brews steadily.

Thou craves her so, just as much as she needs thee...
But however may they try, faith hatches devious plans mischievously.

For in his freedom lies the capture of her soul.
When she weeps for him, his heart rages ever more.
When he loves, she sinks deeper in the fold.
Yet one bereft of the other, leaves the story untold.

She, the never-ending blue sky with her pristine virtue and pulchritude.
He, the glorious lightning bolt that jolts her peaceful abode.

Floating upon this surface for the birds, their saga soars.

Veni. Vidi. Vici.

2008-12-27T00:36:00.005+05:30

My life has taken a 360° turn in the last three months of this year. This time has taught me three important lessons. So here are my revelations, explained perfectly in the three words uttered by one of my favourite heroes from history: Julius Caesar.

Veni (I came)

I came to the conclusion that love is fleeting, success is momentary and friendships are fickle. Which means it is all transitory.

Contrary to these revelations appearing to be a major let down, I have never been happier. Cos now I realize that the one true thing I need to be happy is me, myself and I. It is when one tries to find their own worth in others or in outwardly actions that the dejection comes. The three things I hold dearest to my heart and the source of all my joy until now have been given and taken away from me throughout these months but I reckon it is all for the best. I (re)discovered and then subsequently lost a dear love. I earned a great job solely based on merit but then was made to question whether I deserved it. I found a new sole sister for life but had to break equally important old ties.
I now know that happiness lies within ones self and I am at peace with myself and content with what comes my way.

Vidi (I saw)

I saw what life is like from the other side of the spectrum. A place where there are no boundaries, no questions and no restrictions.

My daily existence is marred by a constant juggling act between reality and the surreal. Born into a household of tradition, orthodoxy and religion... I am an ultra-modern, free-spirited atheist. For the first time in my life, I was living on my own, in a new city, immersed in sin. From the hassles of having to make my own cup of coffee in the morning to worrying about the no-show of the maid. From the worrisome laundry bill to the irksome grocery shopping. From the less than enthusiastic morning trudge to get the newspaper to the uninhabited painting the town red at night. I did it all, and enjoyed every moment. Soaking in each memory to last me a lifetime.
The days made me understand how precious independence really is. I need to reclaim my own independence again, some day soon.

Vici (I conquered)

I conquered a fear that had plagued me for a long time. That of self-doubt. I learnt how to relinquish control, not try and hold onto everything too tight and just let myself be.

As a sworn control freak I tend to over-analyze, re-think and be unnecessarily critical about whatever I do in life cos I worry about what will happen if I do not do everything perfectly and how others will perceive me. That behaviour has in the past led me away from many a good moments and wrecked me with constant worrying. Now I have loosened the noose I had put on my life and done what I never would've done before. I go with my gut instinct and not what I consider to be the appropriate thing to do.
It has made me into a better individual who is willing to take more risks and not always do what's right.

As perhaps one of my most tumultuous, action-packed and emotionally draining years draws to a close... I am ready for the one ahead.
It's a fresh playing field. I am a changed person. I have a better attitude. I got a new job. I've found deliciously new mistakes to make. Bring it on 2009!

The City of Screams...

2008-11-28T14:18:00.004+05:30

There are some situations that shake the collective human spirit, ignite the mind and evoke inspired words... Then there are situations such as the one unfolding in the heart of my motherland, as I write, that just makes one feel trapped, helpless and broken.

Mumbai, India, 2:25 pm
41 hours and counting... The city of dreams is still under siege. Two edifices that have up until now defined the landscape of the commercial capital of India have over the course of 2 nights been converted into the base of a new kind of urban battleground. Of the kinds previously unseen and perhaps unimaginable.

The operation is well on its way to completion it seems. Both hotels are under the control of the security forces, finally. But as I sit with a constant, uninterrupted stream of images flashing across the TV screens, my mind is still coming to terms with the gravity and magnitude of the loss. One ex-colleague missing and unaccounted for. One friend shot dead point blank. Another struggling for dear life. Along with countless other acquaintances, friends of friends and even strangers.

Never before have I felt as human and mortal as I do now, praying for those I have never met and perhaps never will while cursing the wretched ones who caused this pain.
Most of the people I know have one collective reaction: Counter-attack!
I grieve for those who died and those who lost their loved ones just as much but I do believe that violence begets violence. It becomes a vicious circle and it never stops. And it shall begin now. The finger pointing, the accusations, the guns, the bombs and the plans. We bear witness to an age of suspended warfare. Now we will see how its victims will react.

I won't go into statistics. There are enough concerned citizens already doing that. I just hope for peace. And wish that the screams won't go unheard. God speed!

Bittersweet Bow

2008-09-30T23:42:00.004+05:30

Quickie status check
I can't believe I did it but I finally, actually, really quit. It was long overdue and needed so badly cos I stopped growing in this job about six months back. From then on, it was just another day and another issue to get to press. The media freebies helped ease the pain of course :)
But frankly I can't live like this for long. The obvious reasons for sticking around this long were all monetary. Which reminds me... I don't think I've paid my wi-fi bill this month, so you never know when I'll be cut off.

Since I am still connected, might as well ramble a little...
Today was my last day and I'll just say it was melancholic, exciting and bittersweet all at the same time. Having worked at this place for almost two and a half years has made it my second home. The colleagues are almost like a surrogate family. And the pathetic excuse for a coffee probably runs through my veins along with blood. But today I had to say goodbye and I so suck at it. I have these long pauses and awkward half hugs for fear of coming across too strong. Terrible habit.

Oh golly, the net is still working!
Rather than save or be judicious (as if), I took all my meagre savings and invested them in buying a much needed new laptop. Yay for Mac! And for getting my hands on some budget air tickets so I can start my birthday month as an unemployed, aimless, carefree vagabond in Goa. Yes, that was my birthday resolution and I am actually doing it come tomorrow morning.
So while I am off being a beach bum, hoping not to freak out about the fact that I have nothing to do once I am back (cue the panic attack), you guys & gals have a good one. I gracefully bow out of the ranks of the useful, employed masses as my first vacation in one and a half years beckons.
And the connection seems to be losing strength, so cheers!

The Mistress Of Vices

2008-08-20T19:00:00.003+05:30

I would love to start this post by a clichéd line such as, "When I was a little girl growing up in big, bad Delhi... My mother taught me not to be a sinner." Alas, all half-veiled attempts at masking the true nature of this post will take away from it, so that's a no go.

When I was a little girl growing up in big, bad Delhi... My mother taught me one fundamental truth—you either live in society and follow its rules or you live outside it. Hence began my life long love-hate relationship with 'society'.
I like(d) ruffling feathers, breaking the mould and giving the gaping mouths something to gossip about. And being a sworn atheist, I embraced my one true religion completely. If you still haven't guessed it, its vice or sin if you please.
My personal mantra: "Good girls go to heaven, bad girls have all the fun!"
Before you shake your head disapprovingly, there are rebels without a cause and then there are sworn rebels. I never found conforming any fun and when it feels so good to be bad, why bother!

Vice (v[imac]s), n. [F., from L. vitium.]
A practice or habit that is considered immoral, depraved, and/or degrading in the associated society. In more minor usage, vice can refer to a fault, a defect, an infirmity, or merely a bad habit.
So even though all the holier than thou individuals look down on me from their moral high horses... I know that the truth is that we are all sinners. One way or the other. If you got something you love, if there is anything you crave, have a strong need or desire for... It is probably forbidden.

And that keen observation brings me to the Seven Deadly Sins or Capital Vices/Sins. A casual dekko at this hilarious list of condemned deeds got me thinking and then writing and then idling... Leading to this post 2 months in the making (lazy bum!)

Appropriately enough. Let's start with Sloth. Now the fact that this post was stewing in my drafts folder for over 60 days is proof enough of my laziness. On most mornings, my constant struggle to get out of bed without the prospect of a quickie (I mean a caffeine shot!) is a ritual in itself. But Sunday perhaps is my ode to laziness. Kind souls (friends or mostly mom) provide me with food and the self-collected huge stack of books and movies entertain my bed sojourn all through the day. That is the perfect 'sloth'ful Sunday for me.

Wrath or anger is infact my primogeniture. I got it as an inheritance from my male ancestors and I am now the master of my very own anger estate. I run, govern and monopolize it. Which basically means no outside factor can get me worked up unless I allow myself to let it. Quite unlike my Libran birth, when my otherwise calm demeanor is shaken, this woman's wrath knows no bound. Though thankfully, manic Monday (which is a bitch at work) is the only day I let the week get to me. By the end of the day, dear pals have drowned me in enough lush therapy to make the rest of the weekdays 'spirited'.

Tuesday is my full on Envy day. Simple enough reason. I come from an orthodox Jaini family and even though I have already broken my vows by eating beef and drinking like a fish... Grandma's bullying still turns me into a devout follower on this day. No onions, no meat, no liquor. No fun! I envy every single person who can live a normal life :(

Greed rears its ugly head by the time midweek Wednesday rolls along. Media night, ladies night, happy hours... Whatever, wherever. If it promises to get me cheap booze, then I am up for it. Since Wed' is also my busiest day at work, post-office, usually after-midnight hours are spent pub-hopping in the quest to satiate the greedy barfly in me.

By the time my hung over, half-dead self gets up on Thursday, Pride rules my mood. Vanity is as vanity does and the late office check-in equates to very, very useless but very, very selfish time spent indulging in pedicures and massages. Or spent on shopping sprees, usually meaning admiring ones image in giant size shopping mall mirrors. Tsh, tsh!

The most injurious of all my vices is Gluttony. For those of you who don't know, I am a food writer. In case that isn't clear enough, I basically critique food on a weekly basis. Yes this is part of my job and I get paid for it. So the onslaught of the weekend is heralded by an unmonitored, unstoppable consumption of every, and all type/sort/variety of food known to man. Sometimes all three of my meals are review assignments. And if you've ever had the (mis)fortune of being fed like a cow meant for slaughter... You might just understand the amount of food that an eager restaurateur/manager piles on my table. Don't get me wrong, I love it. And so do the lucky friend/colleague who accompanies me. But let's just say, it is quite the unhealthy proposition and is followed by furious attacks at the treadmill.

Last but by no means least. My fave sin aka the most fun... Lust. If any of you deny being a victim of this one, you do not deserve to be here. Now to put it simply, my recent residentship of Freedomville (revert to last post) has led to an increased surge of hormones. And by virtue of being the only day of the week that does not preceede a working day, Saturday is my carnal karma day. Ever since my active membership of the lust club, my heart and head are ruled by only this sin and I can give up everything in the world but this. Trust me, I have tried.

So there you have it, seven sins for seven days. Hey, that has a nice ring to it. And as the Keeper of Temptations to the Mistress of Vices would say... Better late than never!

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned and I love it!"

Snippy, snippy... Bang, bang!

2008-06-18T15:53:00.007+05:30

This is by far one of the most 'self' focussed months I've had in a long time and so I feel compelled to rant about it...

Besides the purgatory 'breaking of habit' spoken about in the last post, I had my A-ha moment (you know the ones where you find what you are meant to do in life), went through a mini makeover (as all inspirational chick flick plots involving personal growth must), spent zero money on shopping (that is THE big achievement!), gave my almost rusting brain a fair bit of writing exercise (outside the mandatory office work), meandered my way through one of Delhi's infamous underground market (the one where good gals supposedly do not go after sundown), met a LOT of old friends and usually did so over copious amounts of coffee and/or liquor (extremely fun either ways!)

Being single for the first time in almost 7 years is a refreshing change and really puts your life in perspective. Although a lot of people said I was turning into a cynic after reading my last post, I think of it as breaking the shackles of twosomes and being free. No more pre-ordained mid-week meals, Saturday night plans, Sunday movies and such.
Welcome Freedomville's newest resident: SIM

One's A-ha moment comes all of a sudden, out of the blue and when you least expect it. Just comes and hits you out of nowhere and BANG, you are never the same again. Like a relatively new but good director spoke to my colleague about how he was poised to become a zoologist until he saw a great film that changed his path. I found my calling over a completely random and unrelated conversation with a friend.
Life altering career switch is now in the pipeline

Then there was the SNIP and snap. You must've seen some film where the underdog heroin emerges from a cloud of perfume, hair products, mascara et all and has her day in the sun. I cut my hair (in accordance with dear pal Riyu's words, "Usually one gets radical haircuts when one is going through a transitionary phase.") took those summer dresses out of the closet and broke in the high heels. Feeling good, baby!

Oh and then there is the writing. If you have ever been involved in brainstorming sessions which see a small idea that matters to you take shape over numerous, sleepless nights and through innumerable discussions to become a full fledged project close to your heart... Then, you'd know what I am going through. The oppurtunity just fell in my lap and even though this work after work consumes my life at times, I am loving it!
If all goes well, you guys will hear about it soon. Fingers crossed.

And that brings me to the priceless Palika Bazaar foray. Even though that hilarious day deserves a post of its own... Renovatio and SIM's day out at one of the biggest illegal/black market adda's in town ensued a lot of memorable hilarity. Besides the fact that both movie lovers were making their debut scouting for rare to find films in the bewildering market, the pair collectively tower about a good 2 feet over most people's head which essentially means that the two mini giants standing in the middle of the bustling, underground (read low head clearance) market looking like lost puppies made for a one of a kind, perfect Kodak moment. Not to forget the rigorous 'screening' process that the guardian of our destination put us through before we were shown the light :P
P.S: those of you who read Reno's musings and complain about his decreased writing... I plead him daily to write about this adventure but with no avail.

Last but by no means least—there is no better way to spend gloomy, glorious, happy or otherwise mundane... heck, any type of day... than by catching up with old friends. School mates, college pals, old chums, long lost buddies, random acquaintances... its all bloody great! Mix in crazy amounts of caffeine or liquor with these endless conversations, gossiping sessions and philosophical discussions and you have a winner.
Added bonus: being introduced to a fab new single malt by a discerning connoisseur, regaining a lost love for JD on the rocks, having my first of many glasses of a beautiful South African wine and bringing one of my fave brews (the Hawaiian Kona) into the life of Reno who I also initiated into the coffee drinking process 2 years ago. Cheers to that!
fyi all the money saved from the non-shopping is now spent on these drinking bouts. Plus, it might be turning me into an alcoholic. Cheaper ideas anyone?

SIM is back, snipping-ly new and with a big bang. Over & out, for now.

Habitual Creature...

2008-05-07T15:13:00.002+05:30

I have said it before, I'll say it again... All human beings are habitual creatures and no matter how hard we try to get out of the vicious circle of making the same mistakes again & again, we always tend to give in to our weakness aka habits. And what is so god damned precious about our habits are that they are peculiarly ours. Otherwise good judgment fails us as far as these go.

Beloved friend picked up the ciggie along with me in college... A way to tide the time in between all those missed lectures. Three years since college, two job changes and numerous smoke breaks from work has led to her terrible compulsion. A habit that forces us to sit outside in this searing heat 'cos she cannot smoke inside. Talk about being out casted. I quit the cancer stick in the first few months, after realizing that smoke smelling hair and fingers are not very becoming.

Formerly fat cousin thought it would be a good idea to go on that crash diet. The jibes and jeers finally got to her. Umpteen diet plans, almost ritualistic gymming, non-existent social life and 5 dress sizes smaller... she still vehemently monitors every morsel of food on her plate. Closet anorexic, but an up and coming runway dream to the world. I started with her but gave up midway, knowing fully well that I best get comfy in my skin now, if it is to last me a lifetime.

One time school pal and old ex came from a repressed childhood. As an adult, he thought it was okay to translate his emotions into a physical form. Started out with light pokes and slaps. Soon enough they became full fledged assaults. He is now seeking counseling for his habit. Me being witness to his actions promised myself I would never ever resort to that, no matter what my past and how much the present angers me. I took up the Israeli martial art Krav Maga to channelize that rage.

The point of such detailed scrutiny into others lives is just to highlight how one's own habits die hard. No matter what other vices you are able to deal with, there is something in life that gets to you and never lets you go.

Assumed identity SIM started seriously dating at the age of 16. Successive failed relationships, numerous bitching and TLC sessions with girlfriends over junk food and LIIT's and lots of venting blog posts such as this one later... She is a serial dater. Her crime? Dating all the wrong kind of men. Or maybe she's the wrong girl for the right men... But even knowing fully well, the kind of damaging effects these men are having on her, she keeps giving a chance to love. Her habitual crime? Hopeless romantic, even in the face of great adversity, SIM will manage to carve out her own piece of loving memories. That is perhaps the reason why she refuses to be depressed and blue.

The recurring theme is that it starts early, you get hooked and never give up. The tricky bit about my hard to break habit is that no amount of medical intervention or psycho-analytical babble will help. I got to do it myself. Just realising that very scary bit shook me out of my stupor. And putting those thoughts into words has turned out to be a purgatory exercise, almost therapeutic.
My new mantra now — When love comes knocking at the door, sneak out the window! I shall break the habit or die trying. Fight it out, be a trooper. Or as my dear buddy Viv would say, be a super trooper! I do believe I get it this time, but when I actually break the habit, I'll let you know :P

The Healing Touch...

2008-02-27T20:02:00.007+05:30

We all need some form of healing in our life. Whether it be sexual, mental, emotional, physical or even spiritual. You might not even know it but a casual moment of a stolen touch from somebody and the warmth it emanates deep within you is a type of healing that can cure the sourest of demeanors, the worse of moods and the severest of pains. A loving handshake, an admiring pat, a tight hug or a deep kiss will last you a lifetime and bring a smile to any face.

I have been on a journey of healing these past few months. And I found that ‘touch’ in the most unlikely places. People often surprise you with the love and kindness they carry within themselves and I derived my strength from some such individuals.
A stranger who has become my dearest companion in a matter of six months… A childhood friend who had a (mock) fight with me for the first time in 12 years just ‘cos I hadn’t called her in eons… An ex who let go of me so I could move on… The woman who gave birth to me, giving me a new lease of life with her wise words, and the former boss who’s inspired writings echoed my own deepest thoughts and hidden fears.
These are the people who have helped me heal.

The sexual healing from scars I had been carrying along for years came with that stranger… No it wasn’t a one-night stand. Its what the difference between making love and having sex is. The kinds that rekindle your lost innocence.
The emotional healing from an often ambivalent and nonchalant attitude towards those closest to me came with that friend… She taught me how to love people unconditionally.
The physical healing from an insatiable yearning that wrecked my being with guilt came with that ex… He held my hand while I inked my skin with a symbol that connected us both.
The spiritual healing from sworn atheism and a prolonged irreparable void came with that woman… She spoke to me like an adult and not like the child she had bred and gifted me with wisdom that only a mother can.
The mental healing from unvoiced anguish, anger and hatred came with that former boss… Her near daily blogs chronicled much of my own woes and worries.

Go on and break down that invisible wall that you’ve built around you. All is not wrong with the world. And for all the evil and bad surrounding us, there is always the little good in everyone.

Caught In The Middle

2008-01-12T17:47:00.000+05:30

Happy New Year :P
I know that I am a little late in the day to be wishing that but something or the other has been keeping me away from writing. I won't blame it on anything else but sheer laziness perhaps. Coz no amount of work kept me away from ranting here in the past. Maybe it is a burnout so to speak. From words, from the web, from emotions. Everything. A complete cut-off from all ties.
But it has been an eventful few months nonetheless. When one thinks about it, there is so much to write and then sometimes it seems there is nothing at all. The same way that when one looks back there is so much that seems to have been left behind. The people, the memories, the situations. And then you are reminded that there is more ahead. Lots yet to be seen, many more people to meet and miles to go before I sleep.
Sheesh... This is turning out to be a typical introspective New Year post. So I must end it here.
P.S: One of the things I did in between was to get my first tattoo. The symbol means much more to me than it gives away. Will talk of it at a later date. Cheers!

Wagging Tongues...Wagging Tails

2007-12-11T16:21:00.000+05:30

Its just one of the hazards of the job.
When you work in an office as porous as a ragged, year old sponge... You know that even zealous attempts at keeping your true self concealed is a fruitless, futile exercise. Thus, the 'oh I read your blog about the job woes' and all such catty comments follow suit. Or a questioning gaze wondering what the hell my problem in life is coz me by virtue of being incharge of a beat coveted my most am subjected to remarks like, 'the princess doesn't think anything is good enough for her' and some such.
But as they say barking dogs can't bite. Or wait, was it the other way around. Anyways...
But I am not trying to say that everyone in this profession is a two faced moron. There are some wonderful people that you meet everyday and some that become friends for life. Many others make an unmistakable impression that stays with you for a lifetime. My team is made up of such people. All beautiful, all talented, all warm.
And of course there is my fave dual identity. Nice gal gone naughty, who is probably reading this right now and snickering away, getting her jollies.
One of those most treasured colleagues of mine is perhaps the best looking guy I've seen. Let's call him A. There might be those better looking than A but its his charm and his demeanour that make him far better than the rest. And he was involved in a car accident on route to an assignment day before. Now as he lies in a hospital with a broken jaw, swollen lips and seven plates in his face post extensive reconstructive surgery... You wonder once again why bad things happen to the best people.
Life is really unfair. And at times like these, you forget everything else and just pray. Even though I don't believe in god, I am praying hard to whatever higher being is out there. Stay strong A.

Life In Between Living...

2007-11-24T15:57:00.000+05:30

Following in the same mood as my last post...
Fading away in the background, merging with the crowd, lost in the sea of monotony, over the din of a computer left in standby mode too long and a clatter of cluck, cluck, clack... That is my workspace. My daily prison. I loved my job. Notice the past tense. Writing on food and music was like a dream come true. Nevermind the peanuts they paid me in the name of a 'salary'. The perks in the form of an endless stack of music cd's, food reviews, wine tasting invites and gigs to attend kept me hale, happy and hearty. Nonwithstanding the two sizes it added to my 5 foot 7 inches frame.
Now, not so much. It gets old real fast they say, I think that process has started for me already. I have reached a stage in my job where I can sleep walk my way through every issue. My 'work shelf-life' has expired it seems. Okay that is a blatantly dangerous admission but what the heck. The creativity, the zest, the enthusiasm all wiped away by the indifference of The Man! My newspaper that is. And now I have a vague, nagging feeling that all my eccentricities are being drained away which automatically leads to no cooky, wacky writing by SIM. I am fighting this, real hard.
In the meanwhile brief update: I've decided to get inked. Am currently veering between two of my most favoured symbols from Egyptian mythology, being the ancient history geek that I am. Any suggestions anyone?

M.I.A

2007-11-06T15:12:00.000+05:30

Life is a crazy 'comedy of errors' at times. My assumed identity S.I.M has been M.I.A for the past month and a half and my mind has been wiped clean, hence the no writing bit.
When one goes through tragic/life-altering moments, your mind goes into shock and there are no thoughts, views or opinions... Just a strange inquisitiveness. Why me? You ask yourself. It's not self-pity, neither wallowing in misery... It's merely a lack of zest and want. Completely devoid of emotion, good or bad, I have been floating through life rather aimlessly.
Or so I thought. During this wandering, I have managed to sleep walk my way through a more than satisfactory raise, a very eventful birthday, a close pal's wedding planning and also found someone capable of bringing a smile to my face everyday. Yet there is a strange yearning. Of something lost, or of something never found. And I have realized that I am the sort of person who can give up things easily... There seems to be nothing that I need to stick with or cling to for comfort. The most recent case in point being alcohol. Now some, ok lots of people turn to these 'spirits' for some upliftment. I used to be one of those. There was no amount of sleep deprivation, bad hair days, relationship blues or work woes that a JD and coke or a Vodka OJ couldn't solve and then one fine day, a month ago, I decided to stop. Just like that.
Some might call it depression. I don't. It is what it is. A general lull in life and I know everyone goes through it. And this too shall past. S.I.M will be back again baby!

Chocolate Coloured Dreams...

2007-09-19T14:34:00.000+05:30

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when someone mentions a chocolate? Sweet, luscious, indulgent, glistening and sometimes melting little pieces of heaven!
And what type are you... Milky white, dark or bitter...Nutty or liquer filled, caramel centered or crunchy?

Either way, chances are that you are a true blue chocoholic, just like moi.
And the type that you are defines your personality. Or, so some say.
But whatever may be, chocolate coloured dreams would sound like a good thing right? Hmm, not really.
The dreams aren't black or white, nor grey but a deep, all encompassing chocolate brown. The kinds that lure you in with the promise of sweet returns and then end up engulfing you from all sides on a never ending trail into the land of no return. They aren't bad dreams...just the kinds you can't recall and yet can't recover from. Like you can remember the flavour of that last bite of chocolate but yet don't feel like you have tasted it till you can sink your teeth into a chunk again. A vicious vice that teases you with its memory and keeps inviting you back again.

I am bitter and liquer filled. Ahem, perhaps that defines me and my dreams as well. Or maybe I should just stop going to bed after polishing off that box of chocolates... And as Mr Gump's mamma always said, "life is like a box of chocolate, you never know what your gonna get!" Happy eating!

The Wishing Bone...

2007-08-29T15:55:00.000+05:30

One fine day... on a beautiful glorious sunshiney (yes, its not a word but i'll use it anyways) day... I got up really late with a massive hangover, having lost my wallet, banged my brand new car into an innocent tree the night before and missed an important story deadline by 3 hours right before an overdue promotion. Oh, yes! I can be that irresponsible.
I wake up, not in a crappy mood but in a cheerful one. A throbbing head but a beaming smile nonetheless. The coffee is perfectly black and bitter and the breakfast is wonderfully runny eggs and burned toast...the birds are chirping on an unusually shrill pitch and there are no missed calls from the boss fretting over my no-show at work (it sucks when they don't even bother to pick up the phone and tell you how incompetent you are isn't it?). I might be dreaming. But a firm pinch confirms that I am indeed wide awake. Am I delusional then? Deranged perhaps? None actually. I am simply content.
I think many of us, including yours truly, have forgotten how to feel completely content. When you can't find anything to complain about even though the otherwise obvious crib worthy instances are glaring straight at you... that's when you know what contentment feels like. It can simply be explained as a kind of 'looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses' phenomenon. And no it isn't directly related to being in love. It is about being in a good place in your life. Everything else could suck but you find the strength to smile through it all and emerge unscathed. All the better for it.
I am living through my very own personal hell at the moment. But I am still content being me. Just me. All wild guesses point towards the direction of some good luck courtesy 'the wishing bone'. Or so said my horoscope in the morning paper:
"You have been blessed with a wishing bone for a short period in your life. Make use of it"
Within the day, my wallet was returned to me with all its contents intact, the insurance agency verified and agreed to pay full damages on my car and upon reaching office I was informed that the boss had called in sick, which meant I got off the hook. I have also been gifted with an excellent appraisal and a hefty bonus.
I am not a believer in the higher arts or whatever other gifts the fortune tellers are born with but sometimes you got to turn believer.
My version of the story - It's a wishing bone, stuck in a fishing zone. Go, fish!

Firefly...

2007-08-02T14:48:00.000+05:30

"Like a firefly that burns bright...he came suddenly, out of the dark sky. He hovered around for a little while, he lit up my days with laughter and smiles. Then he vanished just as suddenly, my dear firefly."

I hate insects and their likes...no matter what kind they are. Who doesn't? But what can one do when a charming firefly buzzes his way into your heart. The dark recesses of which you thought were impenetrable. But they creep up on you don't they...naughty little fellas. They seek a glimmer of light. He found it somehow and rescued me from the night. And then they disappear just as fast.

Before one can sit and ponder over why all good things must come to an end...one knows the truth will be a bitter pill to swallow. When you go looking for trouble, you will find it. But oh wretched heart, it just craves for what it shouldn't want. Fireflies are nothing but trouble.

Ah, my dear firefly.

Americana...

2007-07-31T15:10:00.000+05:30

Yes I am in Americana these days. What might that be, you ask? It is the constant state of being surrounded by all things American. Food, music, movies and now the language.
It is July after all. The glorious month when the oh so glorious country brings out the barbeque grills to tuck into all forms of meat, guzzles on enormous amounts of beer and basks in the afterglow of fireworks and the usual revelry. Its Independence Day!
While I am sitting across continents and oceans on the other side of town, this heightened mood of Americana is taking over my life. In the form of hot dog food reviews, music cd's of the typical US pop scene, movies celebrating the American life and now, an office advisary saying 'We are going American'!
Oh, pray, yes! This is what my esteemed colleagues and I read first thing Friday morning in office. My entire newspaper is going American, we are putting on our stars and stripes people.
What does this mean? This means understanding a whole new way to write, this means setting the word documents auto-correction to the American grammar, this means lots of 'zees' and oh my lord, unlearning a whole lifetime of English and then relearning it again.
The directives come the next day, tacked up right in front of my work portal. We are back in elemantary English 101 again. So we learn, we re-write, we re-edit and then the flag flows in the opposite direction again...as the month of Americana ends and we enter the Chinese month of August, we are back to old ways. The big bosses have changed their minds once again. I loved Americana but viva Britannica!

The Travelling Pants...

2007-07-02T15:29:00.000+05:30

Women find shopping therapeutic. Women never have anything to wear. Women will shop for reasons other than the lack of a decent wardrobe. Women love to shop. Period.
All women know that and all men should understand that at the earliest.
So returning from a trip that maxed out my credit cards and landed me in a hell lot of trouble at Sydney's check-in counter...what with 15 kgs of extra baggage, you would think that I would've had my fill of retail therapy right? I thought so too. But, wrong!
Oh how I fought with the ground staff, pleaded and cajoled...all for a few extra pieces of clothing and accesories.
But then there I was, at home with a suitcase full of brand new goodies and what do I discover? I left my favourite pair of jeans in a hotel room in Gold Coast. The one that had been with me for 3 years...the one that accentuated what was good and hid what was not as good...the one that had travelled with me across the globe and lived to tell the tale...the one that was faded and scratched from said travelling but still holding on.
Now all fellow femmes would understand that is quite a tragic mishap. There is nothing quite as bad as losing your favourite denim. Its almost like you lose a friend. And now nothing is as good.
So what does one do? The best pal consoles me but with no avail. I need that denim again. I can't let go of it. Well she doesn't give up easily...and so, with her fully functional credit card and a determined stance, she drags me along to find a new fave denim. It won't happen I say. Never again.
After 3 hours of futile rummaging and window shopping...I have lost all hope. And then, quite suddenly I see it again. A pair quite similiar to mine and the best part, its spanking new. It fits, oh yes it fits perfectly. Goodbye old, hello new. Ah, all is good again.

P.S: This is me being completely vain as Im bored shitless, men will not understand this post but women will sympthasize with me :P

Kiss The Cook

2007-07-02T12:05:00.000+05:30

I think I've said this before but there is nothing sexier than a man who cooks. Now all you macho types out there who think it's a pansy activity, think again! Ask any girl and she'll agree with me. Infact I've been told of women who go out with a man just because he cooks...cooks well that is. It is almost sensual to watch, a man who knows how to put his hands to good use in the kitchen will in all probability be just as good in the other rooms of the house. Ahem, I wonder what you guys are thinking right now :P
Being a foodie by both passion and profession...a man who cooks works well for me. Especially since I'd rather eat than cook, not because I can't but simply because I am too lazy to cook. Plus, kiss the cook is something I've been meaning to do for a long time.
Let me put my feet up after work, hand me a glass of wine and I'll gladly dote on you while you manoeuvre your way through the culinary world. That is what my ideal evening should be. Now its a reality. And the man in question is cooking up a storm in my life, in every sense of the term. So if they say watch out for the calm before the storm...what do I watch out for when the storm is already gaining momentum?

Of Rainbow Coloured Dreams...

2007-06-30T15:29:00.000+05:30

When the lighs go on and the last ray of sunshine hits the ground...when the 9-5 grind ends and you drive down that busy lane...when the kids stop playing to go back home...when the variegated aroma of dinners being cooked fills the air...when prime time news feeds jostle for their share of mindspace...
I turn the other way and shut my eyes and paint a world of rainbow coloured dreams.
SIM is back home and soaking in the flavour of Delhi once again. There really is no place like home :)

Down Under...

2007-06-08T17:31:00.001+05:30

Before you start getting ideas in your head...this one is just to say that SIM is going on vacation to her favourite place besides home...Australia. The beautiful country down under :)
Cheers to all of you...happy holidays till I return!

Do It Like A Man...

2007-05-10T13:48:00.000+05:30

There aren't a whole lot of times when I would advocate doing anything like a man but in this case my neo-feminist instincts give way to a lingering question...and the answer is simple...Do It Like A Man!
A newspaper report leading to an intense discussion with colleagues last week got me thinking...are Indian women mature enough to handle sexual freedom yet? So you meet this charming fella, you get along, everything seems perfect, you decide to sleep with the guy, things are going alright and then it all takes a turn for the worse...someone cheats, someone screams, the relationship just doesn't work anymore. The scenario can vary, whether its mutual or not, it could be a million different reasons but all with the same result — a breakup. And then the woman screams rape!
Yes this actually happened.
Now I am not saying that all women would react this way, Im not even trying to generalize when I wonder if Indian women are ready for the sexual revolution...I am merely talking about the misguided women who give sex to get love, men on the other hand, would give love to get sex.
Agreed that the whole free love movement is still a newer concept for the female species of this subcontinent. A decade or two ago...blogs like mine would be deemed indecent and the writer labeled a 'loose' character...not that there aren't enough hypocrites doing the same damn thing even now, but still. This was the time when Mills & Boons casanova's and Shobha De's luscious characters and their illict doings were the stuff of fantasy for women. Now, the fantasy has translated into reality.
There's plenty of lust, sex and carnal frenzy going on in the very office I am sitting and writing this blog from. In fact, I work in one of the most sexually devious profession of them all. But nonwithstanding all of that..even with all the hushed whispers, stolen glances and hidden gestures...simmering beneath it all is one scandalous accusation.
So if you sleep with someone out of your own free will...does that mean they are signing away their life to you? Do these women really consider sex out of wedlock as another informal institution? As it is the archaic notion of marriage made it nothing but a legalized form of prostitution...i mean you have to sleep with your husband no matter what! What the hell was that?
Well now that women are actually speaking up and asking for what they want in the bedroom and otherwise...I think its high time they learn one valuable skill from their male counterparts. Sometimes sex is just sex! It does not necessarily equate to love. It does in a lot of cases but only if both parties feel the same way. Men understand that. Sure we call them dogs and all that jazz but at the end of the day, they keep things simple. No, I don't admire sleazy slimebags who promise you the world to get you in bed but I think men who are honest and upfront are perfect. If you think its being promiscuous, then you shouldn't be reading this post anyways.
If you made your own choices, learn to handle them.
So ladies please, Do It Like A Man!

Blast From The Past...(Part II)

2007-04-26T15:22:00.000+05:30

When I wrote the first part of this post, I never anticipitated the stream of comments, advice and smiley's that were awaiting me and I didn't expect that there would be a second part because that day was one of those character defining, life altering, choose your path kind of days for me and the constant palpatation and pounding heartbeat weren't a good sign.

I sat across from Ex, hearing him fill me in on his life as it had been in the past 5 months since I left. A mix of emotions were surging through him, I would say, perhaps because I was going through the same damn thing.
A melancholy memory, a happy sigh, a joyful reunion with lost love mixed with an increasing feeling of nausea...my mind is a mess to say the least.
No I don't love you anymore Ex, but yes I do miss you. Yes I think about you often, but no I don't fill my days with thoughts of you and our relationship.
He wants to be friends, I don't think that is even feasible. Friends after a five year relationship? Can that ever be a no-strings attached proposition?
Are you saying there was no intensity, no love, no emotions between us...no Im not saying that retorts the Ex. Well then if all those things existed between us then there can never be a 'we are just pals' situation. So leave it alone.

I am being cold is it? Well yes I am. But its not about being cold, its about being sensible and preserving whatever little sanity you might have left.
Getting over Ex was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. And Im not about to undo all of that. So this is it. The Ex is blacklisted from my thoughts and my blog.

A heavy heart and a single tear...

Blast From The Past...

2007-03-30T13:14:00.000+05:30

You know that sinking feeling one gets sometimes when the phone rings? Tring, tring...something is wrong, I don't feel right...who could be calling? Tring, tring (louder this time) damn, why is the phone getting louder, as if screeching to be picked up (oh, wait its the ascending ring tone option in my cell!) Last tring...I finally find the damn thing under a pile of files at my workstation. Its him, the 'formidable ex', the only semblance of a long term relationship I could ever have hoped to sustain, the man I haven't spoken to in the past 5 months.
I pick up unsure, hesitantly, at the last possible second, hoping he'll cut the phone...
Ex: Hey, how've you been?
Moi: Hey, good...umm what about you?
Ex: Great, I got placed at this big firm. Just got out of the interview and wanted to call you.
Moi: Congrats! That is good news.
(yes I sound braindead...can you blame me? I am in shock!)
Ex: Meet me for coffee today S.I.M please, I wanna share a good moment with you.
Moi: Uh...I am at work, not sure if I can get out.
(lame excuse I know, thats the best I could come up with)
Ex: Don't make excuses S.I.M, spare an hour. That is all I want. For old times sake if nothing else.
Moi: Umm...okay...5'o clock @ Barista
Ex: Great, I'll see you there. Thanks.
My palms are sweating and my heart is pulsating at an abnormally high rate. No good can come from this. Am I too young for a heart attack?

See Moonie, I told you it is the calm before the storm...whenever things are going smooth, I await a bump. This one is a big one! Lord help me...

Old Habits Die Hard...(Part II)

2007-03-15T15:25:00.000+05:30

So the 'Older Man' fought his way back into my life last week. He huffed and puffed and then some...threw fits and asked nicely...pleaded and shouted. All in the same vein and I finally relented. Hesistantly, unsure of the consequences of my forgiveness and if I do admit to myself, in a rather stupid unthought of move that might as well come back to bite me in the ass!
For the past month since my earlier post on him and the subsequent cleansing my life of his toxic presence bit that followed, I had been happy. Happy to just be. No complications, potential heartburns and what not. I ran into him every now and then at the neighbourhood bar or coffee shop. In case I forgot to mention, he lives walking distance from my house, so avoiding him completely wasn't an option.
Then one fine day, after a particulary wierd and awkward meeting, where he happened to catch me on a date...the incessant calls and messages began. I know what you are gonna say to that one...typical jealous male behaviour right? Ah uh...so wrong!
The truth of the matter is that before all this stupid mess, we were really good friends...the kind you laugh over dumb mistakes and cry for broken relationships with...meet for coffee at midnight after a long day or a drinking session and go for impromptu drives to devour chicken kathi's with...sit on the terrace and smoke marlboro's with and bully them to go along for inane chick flicks too.
And we both miss that terribly, more than anything else. Sure the past between us means that things might never be the same again but at the end of the day, friendship is more important. Pointing fingers at each other and playing the blame game never helped anyone. Wow I almost sound like an adult for once :P
Well it took a long, intense and not entirely pleasant conversation to get to this point and I feel relieved if nothing else.
Taking it one day at a time...and with a good pal back in my platonic life...I am onto some other greener pastures.
There you see, as I said...Old habits die hard ;)

Old Habits Die Hard...(Part I)

2007-03-07T12:12:00.000+05:30

I am a creature of habit. I was born with some, adopted others out of choice and stumbled onto yet some more reluctantly. But all said and done, the point I am trying to make, is that I suck at spontaneity and all that jazz. Quite simply because I like knowing or having a vague idea of where I am going, what I am doing and also at times of seemingly calm clarity and sanity (which are few and far between) who I am doing it with.
So basically I suffer from a self-imposed and self confessed OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, people!) Thus, everytime the wild streak in me takes over and I give into the mad manifestation of my alter ego...Miss 'S' lets call her...I end up with a whole bunch of stories to tell. It gives me the kind of strange and warped high that others get from a good joint. Yes, I know what that sounds like. But hey, that is my vice. Anyways, now the thing is that these brief hiatus' from my regular persona lands me in a lot of trouble.
One of them, a recurring one at that, as would obviously be the case, are the encounters of the male kind. Ah, before you rev up your imaginations and concoct dirty details I am not saying what you think I am. Rather it's that I get into the forgiving mood and readily bury the hatchet (however sordid it might've been). This tendency has led to one particular man, the often mentioned 'older man' strutting his way back into my life...

(to be continued...)

Look Busy...Saint Valentine Is Coming!

2007-02-14T19:45:00.000+05:30

Ugh! What is wrong with people these days? Are we living in a attention deprived world where one latches onto any vague attempt at feeling special...if only for this one sordid utterly commercialized day?
I am no bitter and cynic 'single' spinster as dear annie would have you believe.
Nopes. I do believe in the warm fuzzy feeling (aww...) and the 'i wake up with a smile in the morning thinking of you' bit (double aww...) as well as the seeing the world through rose tinted glasses part (ok...enough!) but, but, but...there's only so much of red roses, heart shaped balloons and cupid cutouts that i can tolerate. That too at 10 am in the morning, when i walk into work. Yes, this is the scene in my office...some brilliant crap ass thought it would be fun to deck up the whole office with vestiges of valentine vomit (pardon my choice of words). Its as if they are promotiing romance at work and the last time i checked, that was a bad HR policy don't you think? Especially in an organization like mine, which is as porous as a two bit ragged sponge. Hehe.
Anyways so somehow i'll get through this day...i know i will. I'll not frown on the lovey dovey hand holding couples, i will not roll my eyes at the one hour traffic jam i was stuck in at delhi's biggest market coz of the said couples rush to get to candle lit, rose strewn eateries and i will not balk at the romantic music.
Watch out though...
Achilles Heel...Cupid's Arrow!

Wreck Of The Day

2007-02-03T14:10:00.000+05:30

Its one of those days...

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

* Wreck Of The Day by Anna Nalick

The Seven Year Itch...(Part II)

2007-01-30T17:14:00.000+05:30

So what exactly is going on here? My male friends quite candidly, in their daftly charming 'we will always be men' attitude say that if I tell a guy Im not looking for anything serious right now, I should, in their extremely politically incorrect words, 'be golden'! Hmm no-strings attached yet monogamous. That sounds doable right? No! This is what makes the whole situation even more upsetting than it already is.
I am on unfamiliar turf here. Having been in relationships all my adult life, its quite unsettling now, when I have to make a choice of which way to go. Another attempt at coupledom or a blissfully ignorant singleton existence.
The thing is that you get used to having someone in your life, it seems almost strange without a male presence. Even though Im loving this freedom.
Getting back to the issue, I just don't get it...when it was quite clear from the beginning, that I am not willing to 'get hitched' into a committed twosome quite yet, why did this said Older Man suddenly change his mind? Me thinks...its just my luck. Coz I have a knack for finding all the right men, at all the wrong times!
So like a little boy in a toy store, he got stubborn and was unwilling to settle for anything less than what he wanted...he came, he saw, he liked...me disagreed and that was the end of it.
If nothing else, atleast my humourous anecdotes of random mishaps with the opposite sex keep the rest entertained. Yes, that's me trying to see the bright side of all this mess.
And in case you haven't caught on to the not so subtle marriage innuendos running all through the two posts...let me spell it out for you, the Older Man proposed, i said no and now he's getting married to someone else!
Touche.

The Seven Year Itch...(Part I)

2007-01-19T18:00:00.000+05:30

No, no hold your horses! It ain't what your thinking. No marriage...no plans of any such thing whatsoever...infact no male candidate on the horizon. This seven year itch merely refers to the age gap between yours truly and her latest object of desire. The age gap which has grown into a mammoth age divide.
It didn't matter before, during the elegantly put 'honeymoon phase', where everything is honkey-dorey, fine and dandy and umm...pause while i think of some more cliches.
So the usual wine-ing and dine-ing followed. Well more wine, less dine, a lot more rum and quite a few marlboro's.
The thing is he's almost on the other side of a significant age milestone and im nowhere nearing it. Although my fixation with older men makes that a good thing, in this case it apparentely isn't.
In all honesty, i ain't looking for love...i am by my very own brave admittance...on a rebound! This fella though doesn't quite see it that way.

(to be continued...)

Hick...hick...hurray!

2007-01-03T18:18:00.000+05:30

The New Year is here and now that the party high has withered away and life jolts you back into the reality of 7 am workouts, 9 am workdays, half an hour lunch breaks and bloody deadlines...all the partying and frolicing goes out the window and weekday blues come knocking at your door. I don't know about anyone else but i am definately suffering from post party withdrawl syndrome. What are the symptoms?
Hmm, well for starters... Them jeans dont fit you no more...what with all the post holiday weight you've piled on. You tend to look for excuses to call in sick from work (i did it twice), you've consuned so much alcohol over the week that you are still buzzing with the after taste and you regale yourself and those around you with stories of all the drunken debauchery!
That's pretty much all that it is. Drink...drink...drink away like there is no tomorrow. Chilled shots, bottoms up and damn those LIIT's. I dare to admit that i've had enough of drinking for a long time to come. Ahem! Enough to last till the next weekend that is :)
Hick...hick...hurray and Happy New Year!

The Festive Crunch...

2006-12-28T11:39:00.000+05:30

So the thing that gets me most about the festive season...more than the sporadic bouts of fake enthusiasm and supposed high spirits...(spare me please) is the fact that everyone is in town on a holiday. Yea they all get leave from work and fly in from all corners of the country and the globe. At last count, i had about 10 friends coming in. It is a lot of fun actually. Catching up with all of them, reminiscing and getting drunk...coz there is just so much coffee one can have ;) and then coping with the hangover at work, while all those buggers sleep in late coz they ain't got jobs to go to...hmph!
Anyways so the point im getting at, no wait there is no point to this ranting...well what im saying is that with my 'newly single' status, its even more fun to soak in all this revelry. Im getting my fair share of ex's, crush's, maybe's and never ever kindda men. And its the first time in nearly a decade that i got no affiliations or ties to hold me back.
So i spent my weekend in a daze of coffee, pub hopping, dancing and all that jazz. Christmas eve was a BBQ dinner at a pals terrace and then on Xmas, i even managed to have a guy cook lunch for me...life is sweet! In between all this i squeezed in a movie with my kiddie cousins and went to see Happy Feet. Dancing and singing penguins...thats what the movie is, not a good proposition for that sunday morning headache. Well i just enjoyed the popcorn and diet coke.
The flip side to all this fun and frolic, is the morning after...well not quite literally. But still. Im yet to recover from this extended weekend (where im sure i've put on atleast 10 pounds with all that turkey, vodka and wine) on a lazy thursday morning, while the other one is already looming large.
My oh my, the festive crunch!
Cheers

Infinity...

2006-12-15T13:14:00.000+05:30

Have you ever had a line from a song you heard somewhere in passing, play over and over again in your head? You don't recall any other words, just those 1-2 lines, don't know the name or who the artist is. Yet it keeps tugging at you, disrupting your normal flow of thought. It could be for any reason...whether you loved the voice, or the emotion swept you or some inane generalization.
Well, i've had these lines in my head for a long time...take my empty body and discover me, infinity.
I finally found it after a lot of frantic searches. Ok in all honesty, i bugged my dearest friend to find it for me but still. And now i can't stop playing it on a constant loop. So im sharing my joy with all of you :)

We are all like astronauts
Discovery, infinity
Take my empty body
And discover me, infinity
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you and crazy me...

...We're wasting up our lips
They're interlocking, we are centipedes
Take this to the floor
It's interstellar with our blue-black needs
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you, crazy me

* Infinity by Inara George

The Breakup... (Part II)

2006-12-14T16:10:00.000+05:30

Its been a week now. And im alright. I get to work every day, finish my assignments and deliberately spend each night surrounded by friends at some concert, play or the neighbourhood pub. So my day is too damn full to sit and sulk. I know, i know. This ain't healthy. But ignorance is bliss right? So yes, i am blissfully happy. And this is my way of dealing with it.
A very wise woman had said, 'stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truely happy. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.'
These words are my dictat for every relationship now. Coz as i explained to a fellow blogger, i gotta live with myself a whole lot longer than i live with any man. And at the end of the day, i should be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel like i settled for anything less then the best.
But the best part about being single is that i actually get to live by myself. Now that is something i haven't done in a long time. Coz even when me and my ex took the on and off "breaks", the explore and experiment streak would take over. So in many ways, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I can be selfish for a change. No ditching plans coz he's got last minute work, or not meeting that old flame for a drink since he's in town, or having to acccomodate my girl's night outs on the same day as his boys night, and i can finally return all those phone calls and sms's which i never got time for before. Yes i sound selfish enough now. That'll be all for once.
All in all, it's the breakup i gotta get over. The love will stay on for a long time to come.

I've Been Tagged

2006-12-09T15:19:00.000+05:30

Well i've been tagged by daring diva Intimate Liasions...
Here's how it works: You write some weird things about yourself that people might not have known and then tag other bloggers to do the same...
here are some of my idiosynchricies:

1. Im freakily obsessive about cleanliness. Yes i will insist you clean your hands before dipping them in my tub of popcorn and no i will never have nuts from the common bowl at the bar!

2. I have a thing for tall men coz i love wearing heels and like to look up rather than down at them. Also, its great when they hug u and you can feel enveloped in their arms.

3. I've dabbled in some experimentation but chicken out of menage-a-trois, coz sharing ain't caring in this regard.

4. I can never sleep till i've been in bed for atleast an hour, with music piping through.

5. Im in a profession that requires me to mingle and network with a lot of people. But my personal space is very sacred to me and at times i project a image of detachment and bitchiness - according to all the people i don't care to dabble in mindless small talk with. Well i like it that way.

Im tagging: Ani, Anahat, Lost little girl, Eve

The Breakup... (Part I)

2006-12-09T11:04:00.000+05:30

Its happening. It really is. After 5 years of on again, off again. Lots of growing up, countless fights, virgin encounters, swinging from an open relationship to a commited status and numerous happy moments later...im actually single for probably the first time in my life (or atleast as far back as i can remember). Its an odd feeling. I should be mourning at the end of a relationship that saw me from undergrad to my first job, i should be crying my eyes out, wallowing in self pity and misery. Im told that i should deal with it now, instead of running away, or else one day it'll come and hit me out of the blue and i'll be down and out. Well, frankly i'll take my chances. Coz i cant stop living. Yes there was love, yes the chemistry was insatiable, yes it had definate possibilities...wait, why did i end this one again? Ok i think im gonna end up depressed by the end of this post.

But one needs more than just love to survive. When your leading seperate lives, its ok to deal with a few differences but when you start living together, its a whole different ball game. Suddenly you cant stand his friends, he cant understand why you need so many shoes, and neither of you realize why its become so difficult to make a once stable relationship work.

As the years have gone by, we've called it quits many times, then gone out and had our fun, experimented and all. But at the end of the day, we knew we'd always come back to each other. This time its really over. Coz i've steadily turned outwards, while he turned inwards. I cant live in isolation, he doesn't need people around him. And at the risk of sounding like i am too self-involved, i refuse to be an idealist, who believes that love is the be all and end all of everything.

(to be continued)

With Arms Wide Open

2006-12-02T15:20:00.000+05:30

With Creed and Nirvana for company, boss outta town (yes when the cat is away, the mice will play), an empty office room (well almost, the only other colleague who hasn't fallen prey to the nasty delhi weather, sits at the far end) and the humble intention of avoiding everything even remotely related to work...im clutching my ipod, singing at the top of my lungs and musing over the deeper meaning of some cult classic lyrics...bugging off the metro desk journo's in the process. Life is sweet.

Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...

Now im not overtly articulate but everytime i hear this song, i feel like letting go off all the negative energy around and just embrace life as it comes. There are about a million things that happen everyday, not really affecting your life, but still one chooses to let them become a bother. Traffic jams, power cuts, measly bank balance, girl/guy troubles...all of it just makes it complicated. This is where the power of music comes in, everytime you are overwhelmed, just take 5 and listen to a fave song. Chances are that it'll be an instant mood lift. I know it works for me, and everytime i hear something profound...i try to be all wise and all-knowing and tell my friends how everything will be different from now on. Yea, right! That bliss lasts for all of one day, one & a half at best. And then back again...complaining how everything sucks...blah, blah, blah. But its worth it.
Coz then i'll ponder over these words and let them linger on...The smile will be wider, that kiss will seem sweeter, the wind won't feel so chilly and saturday night blues will be worn away.

With arms wide open.

A Few Good Men... (Part II)

2006-11-24T15:35:00.000+05:30

So as i said, this ain't the best situation to find yourself in. My diva-esque girlfriends seem to believe that it is a blessing. I got my pick from the kitty now they say...choose, use and dispose as and when i please. Hmm.
Normal women might revel in this kindda attention. i just think its a curse, coz as the years are ticking away, it seems to be getting more and more difficult to keep platonic pals. As far back as i can remember, i've always gotten along great with men. Women not so much...probably coz i detested gossiping, back-biting and bitching. ( Ahem, yes all womenkind can burn me at the stake now). It was always comfortable around men, i kicked their ass in basketball, picked up a lifelong love for cricket and the stock market and the sexual tension hadn't come into the equation to ruin things yet. And then, the inevitable happened. I lost the baby fat, cut my hair, got lenses, slung out them heels, shrunk the neckline and kissed teen years goodbye. That was it, all these men suddenly changed as well. The true-blue buddies stuck around, the rest found it too difficult to remain entirely neutral.
But i never knew that my behaviour was expected to change too. Why should it? I can still share a great conversation with a man over a cuppa joe or a glass of vino without sizing them up. For them, not so apparentely.
And these aren't the slimy, sleazebag varieties. Good, well spoken, charming but just looking to get in your pants. A fellow blogger simply explains it, 'friends who fuck'. Now this might work for some people. But i frankly don't care to be this frivolous just yet.
Maybe the thing is that i still see myself as that overweight, naive, young teen who never warranted a second glance. This sort of attention annoys me at best.
Ah, my few good men. One better than the other. Great listeners, always there for you even at 3 in the morning, the designated drivers when you drink yourself silly and pub-hopping mates when girlfriends throw a thousand excuses. I don't wanna lose them to this menace called sex.

A Few Good Men... (Part I)

2006-11-21T12:15:00.000+05:30

Where have all the good men vanished? I hate that question...whatdya mean where've they vanished? Do my girlfriends know that my male friends are asking the same question? Its just a matter of looking at the right places. Now if you expect to find love from a one-night stand (no, im not judging. that does happen) or from speed dating (again, nay sayers, plz hang on) then that is your prerogative. In my experience, more often than not, its a person you've known for ages, or a cousin of a friend or sometimes even that random acquaintance you met on a social networking site.
Oops im straying from the real intention of this post, while women are complaining about a dearth of eligible men out there, im stuck in a curious situation...don't hate me for sounding presumptuous here (oh what the hell, see if i care, go right ahead) but three men who matter a great deal in my life have all of a sudden decided they have less than platonic feelings for me. Yes, three is a crowd! My life is getting a male overload here. An 18 year old media contact who became a close pal, a fellow classmate i've known since preschool, and a 28 year old potential soulmate but no sexual chemistry prospect. All of them, like a jolt of lightning, spread over the past 2 weeks have made it quite clear that they don't wanna be 'just friends' anymore.
The three of 'em are as different as chalk, cheese and umm...potato? Hehe, for lack of a better word. And what a vast age gap, the young one would qualify as me rocking the cradle and the oldest as a sugar daddy! I adore them all in very distinct ways but what the hell is going on? Do i have a signpost around my neck saying 'open for business'? This is not a great, oh i am so flattered, what an ego boost situation people. It feels horrible to dodge advances from men who you care for...

(To be continued)

That Kiss

2006-11-16T15:35:00.000+05:30

Media Night at the neighbourhood bar means an added excuse to drown out the mid week drudgery...so there i was, ready to drink and make merry! Bursting at the seams, strangely bombarded with a huge foreign crowd (highely unusual, whatever happened to the chic loungey places they hang out in, anyways) and an influx of teeny boppers...Boy, oh boy whats happening to this place. If not for an almost empty wallet and the pull of 1+1 booze, i would've left then and there. The bad start wasn't a sign of things to come though. Coz the evening that progressed into late night...went from worse, to bad, to good and finally better - yes in reverse order!
Armed with a vodka and surrounded by some old friends and some new acquaintances, i made my way through the endless sea of people. The best thing about this bar is that you don't have to be the best dressed, or the richest or the suavest person but you'll still find lotssa smiling faces and you'll never be alone, even if you go there alone, you always find someone you know. So post some headbanging sessions on some oldie goldie rock and a couple of vodka's, bacardi's and marlboro's later...i was a little tipsy. Not drunk i say but tipsy! The fun kindaa high.
Edged onto the dance floor by the crowd around me, i landed in the arms of possibly the most enigmatic and charming man i've ever met. And oh those baby blue eyes...well then followed some intro's and as profound a conversation that one can have in a noisy bar. Sometime over the course of the night after that, his hand landed on the small of my back. It didn't feel wierd, not that i do this on a regular basis. It stayed put there, even when i said buh-bye to my friends, even when i stubbed out my last ciggie and downed the last drop of some divine bacchus.
Finally stepped out of the joint, walking back to the car (this is the best part you know, when u're drunk enough to be swaying and then u gotta make the long trudge to ur car) there's a slight chill in the wind and stop! He stops. I stop. He pulls my arm, turns me around and kisses me. Not a friendly peck, not a drunk sloppy kiss, not even a frenchie...but just a kiss. The kinds that will make your knees go weak and send tingles down to the core of your being. Yes that one. I don't know how long it lasted, i don't even know when it ended...none of us spoke a word after that. He drove me home and that was it, not sure if i'll ever see him again.
But it was that kiss...the kinds you never forget!

xoxo

To the man who loved me... (Part II)

2006-11-14T16:34:00.000+05:30

The bane of being blatantly honest, peering into your past and pouring your heart out. You never quite recover from the void left inside your heart, the place where all those raw emotions once resided. Well now they are all spilled out onto a blog where unknown, anonymous and sometimes familiar people can read and critique...go ahead, judge for all i care.
Well the point is that i haven't been able to stop thinking about this 'man' ever since. His voice just echos in my head...lingering on and on. Its driving me insane coz all the passion and desire that i had locked up in some dark corner of my conscience keeps tugging at my heart strings now. It seems impossible to go back to my normal life...where everything was nice, comfy and so fucking boring! All the naughty, forbidden and often titillating situations that i found myself in when he was around are just too damn juicy to forget. It was so hard to give up then...but i had to be bloody practical. And now im tiding each day, trying to keep myself from dialling his number or sending him an email.
And the icing on the cake? In the background plays our song...

Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am fun again

However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you

* 311 (The Cure) - Whenever I'm Alone With You

Girl, Interrupted

2006-11-12T14:06:00.000+05:30

Can you hug away my pain, can you kiss away my tears. Can you erase the hurt of past memories...the wounds i carry with me each day. The invisible scratches on my body, the unmistakable vaccum in my soul. If I told you that the hands that were meant to protect, the eyes i trusted, the voice i recognized...turned around and shattered my world. What does it feel like to never have had a childhood...to not remember what being 11 years old feels like. When you grow up too fast even when you don't want to. When you learn what a curse it is to be born as a woman in this world full of wolves posing as men. What would you do if I told...I am not me coz the person I could've been was slowly suffocated and murdered a long time ago. Would you hug and kiss it away and then ask me to forget. Erase and Rewind. After all, you are a man too and he is your brethren.
Tell me??

- Girl, Interrupted.

Is this it?

2006-11-07T21:57:00.000+05:30

Is this it? Is this all there is to life?
Job, paycheque, shopping, partying, workouts, sex and coffee cafe's?
Guess this is the trouble with starting work so early in life..barely outta post grad and boom here i am. Was so happy that i had everything figured out. Doing what i love to do..write, make enough to last me through the month, infact now that i have all that money, im baffled about what exactly to do with it.
Don't get me wrong, im not complaining. Just that in this rat race of getting to the top as fast as possible..u feel like you've lost out on the real, simple joys of life. I don't remember the last time i stopped to do anything. Its all just getting from here to there. Monday morning blues, Tuesday workouts, Wednesday production day at work, Thursday editorial meetings, Friday assignments, Saturday getting through the day to get to ur fave drinking hole, Sunday oh damn this is my only day off so got a million chores to do. And then it all starts all over again
I might go insane like this coz i can't do this every fucking day for the rest of my life..tune it all out with my ipod plugged in but that won't last too long. Boss calls, complains that my masterpiece in words will make for a crappy article, ok here we go..rewrite it all!
I know what i need right now, a good fuck. Yea the kinds that get everything off your mind in an instant. Now where's a guy when you need one? Damn when will this day end..

To the man who loved me...

2006-11-05T21:11:00.000+05:30

Everyone always says, spend ur life with the one who loves you rather than the one you love. This post is dedicated to the man who loved me...the one I couldn't dare to love...the one I let go.

The first day of my post grad, in orientation class...I saw him. Sitting in a corner, almost sunk into the bench, not coz he was daunted by the 80 odd students there but coz he was a rebel, the kindda guy who wont just be nice to you for the heck of it. Long hair, a 6'o clock stubble and scruffed up jeans. The opposite of everything I’ve ever liked in a man. I was seated right in front of him...and when the mandatory intro' line reached him, he looked up (I’ll never forget those eyes) stared right in my direction and muttered some random things as if he was speaking only to me. That was it, a lightening bolt rushed right through me. I don't think he noticed me that day…but I couldn't get him off my mind. We had only 1 class together, every other day, and that’s all I cared about. Getting there, hoping he'd look at me.
This was a first for me, usually I’m not the one doing the chasing…especially not for a guy who didn't seem to know I existed and was only bothered with his music. Yes he was a musician...what else? 3 months of dodging any direct contact with him but still wishing he'd come my way...and one fine day, after class...he stared at my tee shirt and made some cheeky comment about the graffiti on it. Now if it was any other guy, i would've slapped him, actually I don't think any other guy would've had the guts to say what he did to me coz I’ve been told I’m pretty intimidating.
Anyways, I was so stumped by his words that I gave some stupid comeback and ran out. Next day, mortified as hell…I ran into him again, this time he was talking to one of my friends...when she saw me, she waved me over. I couldn’t help it, I had to go...and give him a noncommittal hi. Well they finished their conversation, he turned towards me and said, 'btw what’s your number?' and I gave it to him. Just like that, without thinking.
He called that very day and that was it...that’s where it all started. Apparently news travelled fast in this college and within 2 weeks, everyone knew. They were so fascinated and dumbfounded by the fact that we were together. Wherever we went, we could feel their eyes on us...waiting and watching. They said we two were too darn individualistic and hot headed to last and that anytime fireworks would go off.
Well they did…emotionally and physically. He brought out a side of me I never knew existed. One touch, one kiss, one look was enough to melt me. We talked endlessly, the sex went on for hours and he sang, just for me. Everything was perfect. Too damn perfect actually. Something's gotta give. It did.
He got too intense, too fast, I got scared, and I was too young. He was at a point in his life where he wanted me to commit, I couldn't. My parents hated him and I didn't have money to support myself if they kicked me out. I let him know that, he couldn't handle it. He wanted all or nothing…said he couldn't live without me. And then came the heart wrenching, desperate pleas, helpless blackmail, good and bad memories...I spent those days in a blur...and then I ran away. I was too afraid. I couldn’t give myself to him completely. I couldn’t trust another person and promise him an eternity when I didn’t even know where I would be tomorrow.
It lasted all of 6 months. The best, the worst, the happiest yet the saddest months of my life. I have no contact with him now. Couldn’t bear to. But I think about him everyday and thank him for teaching me how to feel.
This is the song he sang for me…its his pain

Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
and sharpened nails seem softer
And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

Imagine pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the film

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an Anorexia life

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Open fire on the needs designed
Open fire on my knees desires
On my knees for you

*Ana's Song (Open Fire) by Silverchair

No sex in the city...

2006-11-02T13:59:00.000+05:30

Well literally and figuratively..i know its become cliched now..the show ended a long time ago and with it ended the exciting sex lives of many a viewer who watched each characters sexual escapades & mishaps as if they were their own..and lived vicariously thru the lives of these 4 fictional women (if you don't know wat show im talking about, then u've probably been living under a rock, in which case..welcome back to civilization). But enough said about that.
This post is for all the ppl around me complaining about not getting any. Yes its you..My boss, my fave colleague, my workout buddy, my best pal, my school mate..no one seems to be having any sex..where has it all vanished? Aren't ppl having orgasms anymore, have men actually found something better to do than sex, where are all the freaking babies coming from then?
I mean what's this obsession with the carnal act? They say..you are more stressed when u aren't indulging in the deed, you eat more, you work more, you party more..anything to fill up that void left by the non presence of someone in your life who can make you forget everything for that little while and bring you to sweet release!
The funniest part is that these women aren't just the prudish, ice princesses who stub their noses if the guy isn't a perfect match...this list of 'we aren't getting any' include women who are up for one night stands and one night lay's (the difference between the two deserves a whole post in itself), multiple partners, menage a trois' and even a steady yet brief affair. Still with all that male population swarming around, women are complaining that there's nothing out there.
Now this is the trouble with being successful, single and ready to mingle. And self-servicing will only get you that far. So all you men, listen up! Get your act together, spruce up a little and go find these said women. Do it for the good of womankind..we need some ah's and ooh's..and yes some seconds ;)
Maybe im so nonchalant about the whole thing coz im pretty much happy and contended but one can never have enough can we now!?

Work is worship...!!??

2006-11-01T15:23:00.000+05:30

Really, work is worship..for who exactly..is there actually someone out there who believes so? Maybe a priest..but even then its a routine job for him too.
Now im not complaining, i got one of the best..umm ok on second thought..better jobs in the world and the icing on the cake is that it all happened quite by accident. No struggles for me..but yes i have to work extra hard to prove that just coz i was lucky to get this job doesn't mean i don't deserve it.
Eating, Partying, Reading, Exploring, Observing and Writing about it all..plz do not confuse me for a page3 reporter, that i am not! I evade all such society event invites by cleverly delegating them to another fellow comrade.
But you know what sucks about my job? When other people make a mistake, only their bosses and immediate colleagues know about it, but when we journo's make a mistake..the whole bloody town is reading about it. And then they are free to make their own critiques and judgements and even write in to us telling us about everything wrong we are doing. Coz surprisingly, people still seem to hold the written word in some holy sanctimony. Everything else they've stopped trusting.. but its written so it must be true and absolutely accurate...hang on, we journos are humans too you know.
I love my work..but its not who i am..its just what i do.

Wham..bam..thank you maam!

2006-10-30T13:33:00.000+05:30

Cute ass guy from my fave weekend drinking haunt asked me out today...yes i am objectifying him and we have been making eyes for quite a while now..just one problem, i know what he wants and i am unwilling to give that to him...but how many people live by this policy of wham, bam, thank you maam?
Here's something that i find amusing..men spend nine months inside a woman and cant wait to get out, and then they spend the rest of their lives trying to get in.
I understand that they are predesigned to sow their oats...but how much sowing can u indulge in..i mean leave it fallow for some time dude..don't go overboard. Isn't it tiring & irksome to go bed hopping all the time? And its not like only men do it, women are equally aparty to it.
Don't get me wrong...im all for free loving (if u're into that kindda thing) though im not. Call me old fashioned if u please, but sex isn't just about the sex.
There've been so many times when i've been in situations with men that could've only ended in the bedroom, or wherever the hell else..but some good judgement held me back.
No im not a nice gal, far from it. Just that the concept of a frivolous no strings attached one nighter...although sounds damn appealing...never really did it for me. Yes it gets you all hot and worked up...the very act of being carefree and throwing caution to the wind. But if the sex is good, why leave it at just that one time.. and if its bad, u'd regret it forever.
Hell i just hate being so damn practical all the time, but someone's gotta do it. I cant give it up to just anyone and be another dent on some man's bedpost. The reason why i think this way is coz i've seen far too many friends in their morning after stance, all guilty and self deprivating. It's not a pretty sight and i dont want to be one of them. So for me there's only wham and bam...no thank you maam's, simply coz there is no time, i always want seconds ;)

Emotional Cheater (Part III)

2006-10-28T13:04:00.000+05:30

Im a bitch, im a lover, im a child, im a mother, im a sinner, im a saint, i do not feel ashamed...so goes alanis morisette's ode to womanhood. Its so bloddy true. I can be all those things together...good and bad. Men have the amazing ability to detach themselves from a situation and feel no guilt, no regret. Women on the other hand are nitpicking, compulsive, obsessive and that is the root of our troubles. Breeding misery.
Cheating is cheating..period! Or is it? Can you really truely spend a lifetime with one person and never ever feel anything for anyone ever again? I don't think thats possible...because then you stop feeling and stop living. Love is a reality, eternity is a myth. Because there will be times when you'll hate, abhore, detest and crib about the one person you love the most. And those are the times i go weak.
I've confessed, he'll probably forgive with time.
But that emotional bond i share with another human being isn't something i can give up on completely and if loving means you never share anything remotely personal with anyone else other than 'the one' ever again...well then thats not what i signed up for.

THE END

Emotional Cheater (Part II)

2006-10-27T12:50:00.000+05:30

Its all about the sex honey, they say!
Well billions of people around the world are doing it...so its not rocket science. I mean how hard can it be to get a good lay? Well mighty hard...7 out of 10 women are faking it guys. Heard it from girlfriends, colleagues, cousins...everyone. Maybe that's why the prospect of being with someone new, hoping that he would ensure a steady flow of karmic orgasms is so exciting. Or is it just that ur brain sends signals to the genitals every time a new possibility is in range...calling all systems..attention hormones, vagina's and boobs..male alert!
You can be in perfectly blissful relationships and still your brain can send you such bothersome signals. Whether you choose to ignore them or act on them is what really matters. So at times people you would otherwise have felt nothing for can ignite passions in you, your brain says no, your body says yes. Well in emotional cheating, your brain seems to be saying yes. Its your instinct that might hold you back.
So what is more grave...sexual cheating or emotional one?

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Emotional Cheater (Part I)

2006-10-26T15:24:00.000+05:30

Was browsing thru a glossy and stumbled upon an article...on emotional cheating. Curious phenomenon that sounds like, doen't it? Cheating is normally physical or sexual..what is emotional cheating...well ask me, i am an emotional cheater. Yes sir, guilty as charged.
I love my guy, he's quite a dish, been with him for ages, sex is good, he's well placed, infact we might just settle down someday (what is the defination of settling down..don't know yet). Anyways, so am i happy with this seemingly perfect life? Yes, but i still go astray.
Attracted to non-lookers who i would never ever give the time of day to, had it not been for this intense emotional and mental pull i feel towards them. They seem to get me, think i am almost perfect, never demand, just willing to give me some love. No i don't want their love, just their time and an eager ear...and maybe some attention. But i don't want to sleep with them, yet when they whisper sweet things to me, my heart flutters. That's where it stops though, i always tell them i am unavailable and commited. What is this then?
Attention seeker you might label me...

(TO BE CONTINUED)