You know that sinking feeling one gets sometimes when the phone rings? Tring, tring...something is wrong, I don't feel right...who could be calling? Tring, tring (louder this time) damn, why is the phone getting louder, as if screeching to be picked up (oh, wait its the ascending ring tone option in my cell!) Last tring...I finally find the damn thing under a pile of files at my workstation. Its him, the 'formidable ex', the only semblance of a long term relationship I could ever have hoped to sustain, the man I haven't spoken to in the past 5 months.
I pick up unsure, hesitantly, at the last possible second, hoping he'll cut the phone...
Ex: Hey, how've you been?
Moi: Hey, good...umm what about you?
Ex: Great, I got placed at this big firm. Just got out of the interview and wanted to call you.
Moi: Congrats! That is good news.
(yes I sound braindead...can you blame me? I am in shock!)
Ex: Meet me for coffee today S.I.M please, I wanna share a good moment with you.
Moi: Uh...I am at work, not sure if I can get out.
(lame excuse I know, thats the best I could come up with)
Ex: Don't make excuses S.I.M, spare an hour. That is all I want. For old times sake if nothing else.
Moi: Umm...okay...5'o clock @ Barista
Ex: Great, I'll see you there. Thanks.
My palms are sweating and my heart is pulsating at an abnormally high rate. No good can come from this. Am I too young for a heart attack?
See Moonie, I told you it is the calm before the storm...whenever things are going smooth, I await a bump. This one is a big one! Lord help me...
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Old Habits Die Hard...(Part II)
So the 'Older Man' fought his way back into my life last week. He huffed and puffed and then some...threw fits and asked nicely...pleaded and shouted. All in the same vein and I finally relented. Hesistantly, unsure of the consequences of my forgiveness and if I do admit to myself, in a rather stupid unthought of move that might as well come back to bite me in the ass!
For the past month since my earlier post on him and the subsequent cleansing my life of his toxic presence bit that followed, I had been happy. Happy to just be. No complications, potential heartburns and what not. I ran into him every now and then at the neighbourhood bar or coffee shop. In case I forgot to mention, he lives walking distance from my house, so avoiding him completely wasn't an option.
Then one fine day, after a particulary wierd and awkward meeting, where he happened to catch me on a date...the incessant calls and messages began. I know what you are gonna say to that one...typical jealous male behaviour right? Ah uh...so wrong!
The truth of the matter is that before all this stupid mess, we were really good friends...the kind you laugh over dumb mistakes and cry for broken relationships with...meet for coffee at midnight after a long day or a drinking session and go for impromptu drives to devour chicken kathi's with...sit on the terrace and smoke marlboro's with and bully them to go along for inane chick flicks too.
And we both miss that terribly, more than anything else. Sure the past between us means that things might never be the same again but at the end of the day, friendship is more important. Pointing fingers at each other and playing the blame game never helped anyone. Wow I almost sound like an adult for once :P
Well it took a long, intense and not entirely pleasant conversation to get to this point and I feel relieved if nothing else.
Taking it one day at a time...and with a good pal back in my platonic life...I am onto some other greener pastures.
There you see, as I said...Old habits die hard ;)
For the past month since my earlier post on him and the subsequent cleansing my life of his toxic presence bit that followed, I had been happy. Happy to just be. No complications, potential heartburns and what not. I ran into him every now and then at the neighbourhood bar or coffee shop. In case I forgot to mention, he lives walking distance from my house, so avoiding him completely wasn't an option.
Then one fine day, after a particulary wierd and awkward meeting, where he happened to catch me on a date...the incessant calls and messages began. I know what you are gonna say to that one...typical jealous male behaviour right? Ah uh...so wrong!
The truth of the matter is that before all this stupid mess, we were really good friends...the kind you laugh over dumb mistakes and cry for broken relationships with...meet for coffee at midnight after a long day or a drinking session and go for impromptu drives to devour chicken kathi's with...sit on the terrace and smoke marlboro's with and bully them to go along for inane chick flicks too.
And we both miss that terribly, more than anything else. Sure the past between us means that things might never be the same again but at the end of the day, friendship is more important. Pointing fingers at each other and playing the blame game never helped anyone. Wow I almost sound like an adult for once :P
Well it took a long, intense and not entirely pleasant conversation to get to this point and I feel relieved if nothing else.
Taking it one day at a time...and with a good pal back in my platonic life...I am onto some other greener pastures.
There you see, as I said...Old habits die hard ;)
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Old Habits Die Hard...(Part I)
I am a creature of habit. I was born with some, adopted others out of choice and stumbled onto yet some more reluctantly. But all said and done, the point I am trying to make, is that I suck at spontaneity and all that jazz. Quite simply because I like knowing or having a vague idea of where I am going, what I am doing and also at times of seemingly calm clarity and sanity (which are few and far between) who I am doing it with.
So basically I suffer from a self-imposed and self confessed OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, people!) Thus, everytime the wild streak in me takes over and I give into the mad manifestation of my alter ego...Miss 'S' lets call her...I end up with a whole bunch of stories to tell. It gives me the kind of strange and warped high that others get from a good joint. Yes, I know what that sounds like. But hey, that is my vice. Anyways, now the thing is that these brief hiatus' from my regular persona lands me in a lot of trouble.
One of them, a recurring one at that, as would obviously be the case, are the encounters of the male kind. Ah, before you rev up your imaginations and concoct dirty details I am not saying what you think I am. Rather it's that I get into the forgiving mood and readily bury the hatchet (however sordid it might've been). This tendency has led to one particular man, the often mentioned 'older man' strutting his way back into my life...
(to be continued...)
So basically I suffer from a self-imposed and self confessed OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, people!) Thus, everytime the wild streak in me takes over and I give into the mad manifestation of my alter ego...Miss 'S' lets call her...I end up with a whole bunch of stories to tell. It gives me the kind of strange and warped high that others get from a good joint. Yes, I know what that sounds like. But hey, that is my vice. Anyways, now the thing is that these brief hiatus' from my regular persona lands me in a lot of trouble.
One of them, a recurring one at that, as would obviously be the case, are the encounters of the male kind. Ah, before you rev up your imaginations and concoct dirty details I am not saying what you think I am. Rather it's that I get into the forgiving mood and readily bury the hatchet (however sordid it might've been). This tendency has led to one particular man, the often mentioned 'older man' strutting his way back into my life...
(to be continued...)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Look Busy...Saint Valentine Is Coming!
Ugh! What is wrong with people these days? Are we living in a attention deprived world where one latches onto any vague attempt at feeling special...if only for this one sordid utterly commercialized day?
I am no bitter and cynic 'single' spinster as dear annie would have you believe.
Nopes. I do believe in the warm fuzzy feeling (aww...) and the 'i wake up with a smile in the morning thinking of you' bit (double aww...) as well as the seeing the world through rose tinted glasses part (ok...enough!) but, but, but...there's only so much of red roses, heart shaped balloons and cupid cutouts that i can tolerate. That too at 10 am in the morning, when i walk into work. Yes, this is the scene in my office...some brilliant crap ass thought it would be fun to deck up the whole office with vestiges of valentine vomit (pardon my choice of words). Its as if they are promotiing romance at work and the last time i checked, that was a bad HR policy don't you think? Especially in an organization like mine, which is as porous as a two bit ragged sponge. Hehe.
Anyways so somehow i'll get through this day...i know i will. I'll not frown on the lovey dovey hand holding couples, i will not roll my eyes at the one hour traffic jam i was stuck in at delhi's biggest market coz of the said couples rush to get to candle lit, rose strewn eateries and i will not balk at the romantic music.
Watch out though...
Achilles Heel...Cupid's Arrow!
I am no bitter and cynic 'single' spinster as dear annie would have you believe.
Nopes. I do believe in the warm fuzzy feeling (aww...) and the 'i wake up with a smile in the morning thinking of you' bit (double aww...) as well as the seeing the world through rose tinted glasses part (ok...enough!) but, but, but...there's only so much of red roses, heart shaped balloons and cupid cutouts that i can tolerate. That too at 10 am in the morning, when i walk into work. Yes, this is the scene in my office...some brilliant crap ass thought it would be fun to deck up the whole office with vestiges of valentine vomit (pardon my choice of words). Its as if they are promotiing romance at work and the last time i checked, that was a bad HR policy don't you think? Especially in an organization like mine, which is as porous as a two bit ragged sponge. Hehe.
Anyways so somehow i'll get through this day...i know i will. I'll not frown on the lovey dovey hand holding couples, i will not roll my eyes at the one hour traffic jam i was stuck in at delhi's biggest market coz of the said couples rush to get to candle lit, rose strewn eateries and i will not balk at the romantic music.
Watch out though...
Achilles Heel...Cupid's Arrow!
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Wreck Of The Day
Its one of those days...
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
* Wreck Of The Day by Anna Nalick
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces
And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love
* Wreck Of The Day by Anna Nalick
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Seven Year Itch...(Part II)
So what exactly is going on here? My male friends quite candidly, in their daftly charming 'we will always be men' attitude say that if I tell a guy Im not looking for anything serious right now, I should, in their extremely politically incorrect words, 'be golden'! Hmm no-strings attached yet monogamous. That sounds doable right? No! This is what makes the whole situation even more upsetting than it already is.
I am on unfamiliar turf here. Having been in relationships all my adult life, its quite unsettling now, when I have to make a choice of which way to go. Another attempt at coupledom or a blissfully ignorant singleton existence.
The thing is that you get used to having someone in your life, it seems almost strange without a male presence. Even though Im loving this freedom.
Getting back to the issue, I just don't get it...when it was quite clear from the beginning, that I am not willing to 'get hitched' into a committed twosome quite yet, why did this said Older Man suddenly change his mind? Me thinks...its just my luck. Coz I have a knack for finding all the right men, at all the wrong times!
So like a little boy in a toy store, he got stubborn and was unwilling to settle for anything less than what he wanted...he came, he saw, he liked...me disagreed and that was the end of it.
If nothing else, atleast my humourous anecdotes of random mishaps with the opposite sex keep the rest entertained. Yes, that's me trying to see the bright side of all this mess.
And in case you haven't caught on to the not so subtle marriage innuendos running all through the two posts...let me spell it out for you, the Older Man proposed, i said no and now he's getting married to someone else!
Touche.
I am on unfamiliar turf here. Having been in relationships all my adult life, its quite unsettling now, when I have to make a choice of which way to go. Another attempt at coupledom or a blissfully ignorant singleton existence.
The thing is that you get used to having someone in your life, it seems almost strange without a male presence. Even though Im loving this freedom.
Getting back to the issue, I just don't get it...when it was quite clear from the beginning, that I am not willing to 'get hitched' into a committed twosome quite yet, why did this said Older Man suddenly change his mind? Me thinks...its just my luck. Coz I have a knack for finding all the right men, at all the wrong times!
So like a little boy in a toy store, he got stubborn and was unwilling to settle for anything less than what he wanted...he came, he saw, he liked...me disagreed and that was the end of it.
If nothing else, atleast my humourous anecdotes of random mishaps with the opposite sex keep the rest entertained. Yes, that's me trying to see the bright side of all this mess.
And in case you haven't caught on to the not so subtle marriage innuendos running all through the two posts...let me spell it out for you, the Older Man proposed, i said no and now he's getting married to someone else!
Touche.
Friday, January 19, 2007
The Seven Year Itch...(Part I)
No, no hold your horses! It ain't what your thinking. No marriage...no plans of any such thing whatsoever...infact no male candidate on the horizon. This seven year itch merely refers to the age gap between yours truly and her latest object of desire. The age gap which has grown into a mammoth age divide.
It didn't matter before, during the elegantly put 'honeymoon phase', where everything is honkey-dorey, fine and dandy and umm...pause while i think of some more cliches.
So the usual wine-ing and dine-ing followed. Well more wine, less dine, a lot more rum and quite a few marlboro's.
The thing is he's almost on the other side of a significant age milestone and im nowhere nearing it. Although my fixation with older men makes that a good thing, in this case it apparentely isn't.
In all honesty, i ain't looking for love...i am by my very own brave admittance...on a rebound! This fella though doesn't quite see it that way.
(to be continued...)
It didn't matter before, during the elegantly put 'honeymoon phase', where everything is honkey-dorey, fine and dandy and umm...pause while i think of some more cliches.
So the usual wine-ing and dine-ing followed. Well more wine, less dine, a lot more rum and quite a few marlboro's.
The thing is he's almost on the other side of a significant age milestone and im nowhere nearing it. Although my fixation with older men makes that a good thing, in this case it apparentely isn't.
In all honesty, i ain't looking for love...i am by my very own brave admittance...on a rebound! This fella though doesn't quite see it that way.
(to be continued...)
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Hick...hick...hurray!
The New Year is here and now that the party high has withered away and life jolts you back into the reality of 7 am workouts, 9 am workdays, half an hour lunch breaks and bloody deadlines...all the partying and frolicing goes out the window and weekday blues come knocking at your door. I don't know about anyone else but i am definately suffering from post party withdrawl syndrome. What are the symptoms?
Hmm, well for starters... Them jeans dont fit you no more...what with all the post holiday weight you've piled on. You tend to look for excuses to call in sick from work (i did it twice), you've consuned so much alcohol over the week that you are still buzzing with the after taste and you regale yourself and those around you with stories of all the drunken debauchery!
That's pretty much all that it is. Drink...drink...drink away like there is no tomorrow. Chilled shots, bottoms up and damn those LIIT's. I dare to admit that i've had enough of drinking for a long time to come. Ahem! Enough to last till the next weekend that is :)
Hick...hick...hurray and Happy New Year!
Hmm, well for starters... Them jeans dont fit you no more...what with all the post holiday weight you've piled on. You tend to look for excuses to call in sick from work (i did it twice), you've consuned so much alcohol over the week that you are still buzzing with the after taste and you regale yourself and those around you with stories of all the drunken debauchery!
That's pretty much all that it is. Drink...drink...drink away like there is no tomorrow. Chilled shots, bottoms up and damn those LIIT's. I dare to admit that i've had enough of drinking for a long time to come. Ahem! Enough to last till the next weekend that is :)
Hick...hick...hurray and Happy New Year!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The Festive Crunch...
So the thing that gets me most about the festive season...more than the sporadic bouts of fake enthusiasm and supposed high spirits...(spare me please) is the fact that everyone is in town on a holiday. Yea they all get leave from work and fly in from all corners of the country and the globe. At last count, i had about 10 friends coming in. It is a lot of fun actually. Catching up with all of them, reminiscing and getting drunk...coz there is just so much coffee one can have ;) and then coping with the hangover at work, while all those buggers sleep in late coz they ain't got jobs to go to...hmph!
Anyways so the point im getting at, no wait there is no point to this ranting...well what im saying is that with my 'newly single' status, its even more fun to soak in all this revelry. Im getting my fair share of ex's, crush's, maybe's and never ever kindda men. And its the first time in nearly a decade that i got no affiliations or ties to hold me back.
So i spent my weekend in a daze of coffee, pub hopping, dancing and all that jazz. Christmas eve was a BBQ dinner at a pals terrace and then on Xmas, i even managed to have a guy cook lunch for me...life is sweet! In between all this i squeezed in a movie with my kiddie cousins and went to see Happy Feet. Dancing and singing penguins...thats what the movie is, not a good proposition for that sunday morning headache. Well i just enjoyed the popcorn and diet coke.
The flip side to all this fun and frolic, is the morning after...well not quite literally. But still. Im yet to recover from this extended weekend (where im sure i've put on atleast 10 pounds with all that turkey, vodka and wine) on a lazy thursday morning, while the other one is already looming large.
My oh my, the festive crunch!
Cheers
Anyways so the point im getting at, no wait there is no point to this ranting...well what im saying is that with my 'newly single' status, its even more fun to soak in all this revelry. Im getting my fair share of ex's, crush's, maybe's and never ever kindda men. And its the first time in nearly a decade that i got no affiliations or ties to hold me back.
So i spent my weekend in a daze of coffee, pub hopping, dancing and all that jazz. Christmas eve was a BBQ dinner at a pals terrace and then on Xmas, i even managed to have a guy cook lunch for me...life is sweet! In between all this i squeezed in a movie with my kiddie cousins and went to see Happy Feet. Dancing and singing penguins...thats what the movie is, not a good proposition for that sunday morning headache. Well i just enjoyed the popcorn and diet coke.
The flip side to all this fun and frolic, is the morning after...well not quite literally. But still. Im yet to recover from this extended weekend (where im sure i've put on atleast 10 pounds with all that turkey, vodka and wine) on a lazy thursday morning, while the other one is already looming large.
My oh my, the festive crunch!
Cheers
Friday, December 15, 2006
Infinity...
Have you ever had a line from a song you heard somewhere in passing, play over and over again in your head? You don't recall any other words, just those 1-2 lines, don't know the name or who the artist is. Yet it keeps tugging at you, disrupting your normal flow of thought. It could be for any reason...whether you loved the voice, or the emotion swept you or some inane generalization.
Well, i've had these lines in my head for a long time...take my empty body and discover me, infinity.
I finally found it after a lot of frantic searches. Ok in all honesty, i bugged my dearest friend to find it for me but still. And now i can't stop playing it on a constant loop. So im sharing my joy with all of you :)
We are all like astronauts
Discovery, infinity
Take my empty body
And discover me, infinity
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you and crazy me...
...We're wasting up our lips
They're interlocking, we are centipedes
Take this to the floor
It's interstellar with our blue-black needs
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you, crazy me
* Infinity by Inara George
Well, i've had these lines in my head for a long time...take my empty body and discover me, infinity.
I finally found it after a lot of frantic searches. Ok in all honesty, i bugged my dearest friend to find it for me but still. And now i can't stop playing it on a constant loop. So im sharing my joy with all of you :)
We are all like astronauts
Discovery, infinity
Take my empty body
And discover me, infinity
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you and crazy me...
...We're wasting up our lips
They're interlocking, we are centipedes
Take this to the floor
It's interstellar with our blue-black needs
Forgive the endless longing
So it's crazy you, crazy me
* Infinity by Inara George
Thursday, December 14, 2006
The Breakup... (Part II)
Its been a week now. And im alright. I get to work every day, finish my assignments and deliberately spend each night surrounded by friends at some concert, play or the neighbourhood pub. So my day is too damn full to sit and sulk. I know, i know. This ain't healthy. But ignorance is bliss right? So yes, i am blissfully happy. And this is my way of dealing with it.
A very wise woman had said, 'stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truely happy. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.'
These words are my dictat for every relationship now. Coz as i explained to a fellow blogger, i gotta live with myself a whole lot longer than i live with any man. And at the end of the day, i should be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel like i settled for anything less then the best.
But the best part about being single is that i actually get to live by myself. Now that is something i haven't done in a long time. Coz even when me and my ex took the on and off "breaks", the explore and experiment streak would take over. So in many ways, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I can be selfish for a change. No ditching plans coz he's got last minute work, or not meeting that old flame for a drink since he's in town, or having to acccomodate my girl's night outs on the same day as his boys night, and i can finally return all those phone calls and sms's which i never got time for before. Yes i sound selfish enough now. That'll be all for once.
All in all, it's the breakup i gotta get over. The love will stay on for a long time to come.
A very wise woman had said, 'stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truely happy. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.'
These words are my dictat for every relationship now. Coz as i explained to a fellow blogger, i gotta live with myself a whole lot longer than i live with any man. And at the end of the day, i should be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel like i settled for anything less then the best.
But the best part about being single is that i actually get to live by myself. Now that is something i haven't done in a long time. Coz even when me and my ex took the on and off "breaks", the explore and experiment streak would take over. So in many ways, i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder. I can be selfish for a change. No ditching plans coz he's got last minute work, or not meeting that old flame for a drink since he's in town, or having to acccomodate my girl's night outs on the same day as his boys night, and i can finally return all those phone calls and sms's which i never got time for before. Yes i sound selfish enough now. That'll be all for once.
All in all, it's the breakup i gotta get over. The love will stay on for a long time to come.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
I've Been Tagged
Well i've been tagged by daring diva Intimate Liasions...
Here's how it works: You write some weird things about yourself that people might not have known and then tag other bloggers to do the same...
here are some of my idiosynchricies:
1. Im freakily obsessive about cleanliness. Yes i will insist you clean your hands before dipping them in my tub of popcorn and no i will never have nuts from the common bowl at the bar!
2. I have a thing for tall men coz i love wearing heels and like to look up rather than down at them. Also, its great when they hug u and you can feel enveloped in their arms.
3. I've dabbled in some experimentation but chicken out of menage-a-trois, coz sharing ain't caring in this regard.
4. I can never sleep till i've been in bed for atleast an hour, with music piping through.
5. Im in a profession that requires me to mingle and network with a lot of people. But my personal space is very sacred to me and at times i project a image of detachment and bitchiness - according to all the people i don't care to dabble in mindless small talk with. Well i like it that way.
Im tagging: Ani, Anahat, Lost little girl, Eve
Here's how it works: You write some weird things about yourself that people might not have known and then tag other bloggers to do the same...
here are some of my idiosynchricies:
1. Im freakily obsessive about cleanliness. Yes i will insist you clean your hands before dipping them in my tub of popcorn and no i will never have nuts from the common bowl at the bar!
2. I have a thing for tall men coz i love wearing heels and like to look up rather than down at them. Also, its great when they hug u and you can feel enveloped in their arms.
3. I've dabbled in some experimentation but chicken out of menage-a-trois, coz sharing ain't caring in this regard.
4. I can never sleep till i've been in bed for atleast an hour, with music piping through.
5. Im in a profession that requires me to mingle and network with a lot of people. But my personal space is very sacred to me and at times i project a image of detachment and bitchiness - according to all the people i don't care to dabble in mindless small talk with. Well i like it that way.
Im tagging: Ani, Anahat, Lost little girl, Eve
The Breakup... (Part I)
Its happening. It really is. After 5 years of on again, off again. Lots of growing up, countless fights, virgin encounters, swinging from an open relationship to a commited status and numerous happy moments later...im actually single for probably the first time in my life (or atleast as far back as i can remember). Its an odd feeling. I should be mourning at the end of a relationship that saw me from undergrad to my first job, i should be crying my eyes out, wallowing in self pity and misery. Im told that i should deal with it now, instead of running away, or else one day it'll come and hit me out of the blue and i'll be down and out. Well, frankly i'll take my chances. Coz i cant stop living. Yes there was love, yes the chemistry was insatiable, yes it had definate possibilities...wait, why did i end this one again? Ok i think im gonna end up depressed by the end of this post.
But one needs more than just love to survive. When your leading seperate lives, its ok to deal with a few differences but when you start living together, its a whole different ball game. Suddenly you cant stand his friends, he cant understand why you need so many shoes, and neither of you realize why its become so difficult to make a once stable relationship work.
As the years have gone by, we've called it quits many times, then gone out and had our fun, experimented and all. But at the end of the day, we knew we'd always come back to each other. This time its really over. Coz i've steadily turned outwards, while he turned inwards. I cant live in isolation, he doesn't need people around him. And at the risk of sounding like i am too self-involved, i refuse to be an idealist, who believes that love is the be all and end all of everything.
(to be continued)
But one needs more than just love to survive. When your leading seperate lives, its ok to deal with a few differences but when you start living together, its a whole different ball game. Suddenly you cant stand his friends, he cant understand why you need so many shoes, and neither of you realize why its become so difficult to make a once stable relationship work.
As the years have gone by, we've called it quits many times, then gone out and had our fun, experimented and all. But at the end of the day, we knew we'd always come back to each other. This time its really over. Coz i've steadily turned outwards, while he turned inwards. I cant live in isolation, he doesn't need people around him. And at the risk of sounding like i am too self-involved, i refuse to be an idealist, who believes that love is the be all and end all of everything.
(to be continued)
Saturday, December 02, 2006
With Arms Wide Open
With Creed and Nirvana for company, boss outta town (yes when the cat is away, the mice will play), an empty office room (well almost, the only other colleague who hasn't fallen prey to the nasty delhi weather, sits at the far end) and the humble intention of avoiding everything even remotely related to work...im clutching my ipod, singing at the top of my lungs and musing over the deeper meaning of some cult classic lyrics...bugging off the metro desk journo's in the process. Life is sweet.
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...
Now im not overtly articulate but everytime i hear this song, i feel like letting go off all the negative energy around and just embrace life as it comes. There are about a million things that happen everyday, not really affecting your life, but still one chooses to let them become a bother. Traffic jams, power cuts, measly bank balance, girl/guy troubles...all of it just makes it complicated. This is where the power of music comes in, everytime you are overwhelmed, just take 5 and listen to a fave song. Chances are that it'll be an instant mood lift. I know it works for me, and everytime i hear something profound...i try to be all wise and all-knowing and tell my friends how everything will be different from now on. Yea, right! That bliss lasts for all of one day, one & a half at best. And then back again...complaining how everything sucks...blah, blah, blah. But its worth it.
Coz then i'll ponder over these words and let them linger on...The smile will be wider, that kiss will seem sweeter, the wind won't feel so chilly and saturday night blues will be worn away.
With arms wide open.
Welcome to this place
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
Now everything has changed
I'll show you love
I'll show you everything
With arms wide open
If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open...
Now im not overtly articulate but everytime i hear this song, i feel like letting go off all the negative energy around and just embrace life as it comes. There are about a million things that happen everyday, not really affecting your life, but still one chooses to let them become a bother. Traffic jams, power cuts, measly bank balance, girl/guy troubles...all of it just makes it complicated. This is where the power of music comes in, everytime you are overwhelmed, just take 5 and listen to a fave song. Chances are that it'll be an instant mood lift. I know it works for me, and everytime i hear something profound...i try to be all wise and all-knowing and tell my friends how everything will be different from now on. Yea, right! That bliss lasts for all of one day, one & a half at best. And then back again...complaining how everything sucks...blah, blah, blah. But its worth it.
Coz then i'll ponder over these words and let them linger on...The smile will be wider, that kiss will seem sweeter, the wind won't feel so chilly and saturday night blues will be worn away.
With arms wide open.
Friday, November 24, 2006
A Few Good Men... (Part II)
So as i said, this ain't the best situation to find yourself in. My diva-esque girlfriends seem to believe that it is a blessing. I got my pick from the kitty now they say...choose, use and dispose as and when i please. Hmm.
Normal women might revel in this kindda attention. i just think its a curse, coz as the years are ticking away, it seems to be getting more and more difficult to keep platonic pals. As far back as i can remember, i've always gotten along great with men. Women not so much...probably coz i detested gossiping, back-biting and bitching. ( Ahem, yes all womenkind can burn me at the stake now). It was always comfortable around men, i kicked their ass in basketball, picked up a lifelong love for cricket and the stock market and the sexual tension hadn't come into the equation to ruin things yet. And then, the inevitable happened. I lost the baby fat, cut my hair, got lenses, slung out them heels, shrunk the neckline and kissed teen years goodbye. That was it, all these men suddenly changed as well. The true-blue buddies stuck around, the rest found it too difficult to remain entirely neutral.
But i never knew that my behaviour was expected to change too. Why should it? I can still share a great conversation with a man over a cuppa joe or a glass of vino without sizing them up. For them, not so apparentely.
And these aren't the slimy, sleazebag varieties. Good, well spoken, charming but just looking to get in your pants. A fellow blogger simply explains it, 'friends who fuck'. Now this might work for some people. But i frankly don't care to be this frivolous just yet.
Maybe the thing is that i still see myself as that overweight, naive, young teen who never warranted a second glance. This sort of attention annoys me at best.
Ah, my few good men. One better than the other. Great listeners, always there for you even at 3 in the morning, the designated drivers when you drink yourself silly and pub-hopping mates when girlfriends throw a thousand excuses. I don't wanna lose them to this menace called sex.
Normal women might revel in this kindda attention. i just think its a curse, coz as the years are ticking away, it seems to be getting more and more difficult to keep platonic pals. As far back as i can remember, i've always gotten along great with men. Women not so much...probably coz i detested gossiping, back-biting and bitching. ( Ahem, yes all womenkind can burn me at the stake now). It was always comfortable around men, i kicked their ass in basketball, picked up a lifelong love for cricket and the stock market and the sexual tension hadn't come into the equation to ruin things yet. And then, the inevitable happened. I lost the baby fat, cut my hair, got lenses, slung out them heels, shrunk the neckline and kissed teen years goodbye. That was it, all these men suddenly changed as well. The true-blue buddies stuck around, the rest found it too difficult to remain entirely neutral.
But i never knew that my behaviour was expected to change too. Why should it? I can still share a great conversation with a man over a cuppa joe or a glass of vino without sizing them up. For them, not so apparentely.
And these aren't the slimy, sleazebag varieties. Good, well spoken, charming but just looking to get in your pants. A fellow blogger simply explains it, 'friends who fuck'. Now this might work for some people. But i frankly don't care to be this frivolous just yet.
Maybe the thing is that i still see myself as that overweight, naive, young teen who never warranted a second glance. This sort of attention annoys me at best.
Ah, my few good men. One better than the other. Great listeners, always there for you even at 3 in the morning, the designated drivers when you drink yourself silly and pub-hopping mates when girlfriends throw a thousand excuses. I don't wanna lose them to this menace called sex.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
A Few Good Men... (Part I)
Where have all the good men vanished? I hate that question...whatdya mean where've they vanished? Do my girlfriends know that my male friends are asking the same question? Its just a matter of looking at the right places. Now if you expect to find love from a one-night stand (no, im not judging. that does happen) or from speed dating (again, nay sayers, plz hang on) then that is your prerogative. In my experience, more often than not, its a person you've known for ages, or a cousin of a friend or sometimes even that random acquaintance you met on a social networking site.
Oops im straying from the real intention of this post, while women are complaining about a dearth of eligible men out there, im stuck in a curious situation...don't hate me for sounding presumptuous here (oh what the hell, see if i care, go right ahead) but three men who matter a great deal in my life have all of a sudden decided they have less than platonic feelings for me. Yes, three is a crowd! My life is getting a male overload here. An 18 year old media contact who became a close pal, a fellow classmate i've known since preschool, and a 28 year old potential soulmate but no sexual chemistry prospect. All of them, like a jolt of lightning, spread over the past 2 weeks have made it quite clear that they don't wanna be 'just friends' anymore.
The three of 'em are as different as chalk, cheese and umm...potato? Hehe, for lack of a better word. And what a vast age gap, the young one would qualify as me rocking the cradle and the oldest as a sugar daddy! I adore them all in very distinct ways but what the hell is going on? Do i have a signpost around my neck saying 'open for business'? This is not a great, oh i am so flattered, what an ego boost situation people. It feels horrible to dodge advances from men who you care for...
(To be continued)
Oops im straying from the real intention of this post, while women are complaining about a dearth of eligible men out there, im stuck in a curious situation...don't hate me for sounding presumptuous here (oh what the hell, see if i care, go right ahead) but three men who matter a great deal in my life have all of a sudden decided they have less than platonic feelings for me. Yes, three is a crowd! My life is getting a male overload here. An 18 year old media contact who became a close pal, a fellow classmate i've known since preschool, and a 28 year old potential soulmate but no sexual chemistry prospect. All of them, like a jolt of lightning, spread over the past 2 weeks have made it quite clear that they don't wanna be 'just friends' anymore.
The three of 'em are as different as chalk, cheese and umm...potato? Hehe, for lack of a better word. And what a vast age gap, the young one would qualify as me rocking the cradle and the oldest as a sugar daddy! I adore them all in very distinct ways but what the hell is going on? Do i have a signpost around my neck saying 'open for business'? This is not a great, oh i am so flattered, what an ego boost situation people. It feels horrible to dodge advances from men who you care for...
(To be continued)
Thursday, November 16, 2006
That Kiss
Media Night at the neighbourhood bar means an added excuse to drown out the mid week drudgery...so there i was, ready to drink and make merry! Bursting at the seams, strangely bombarded with a huge foreign crowd (highely unusual, whatever happened to the chic loungey places they hang out in, anyways) and an influx of teeny boppers...Boy, oh boy whats happening to this place. If not for an almost empty wallet and the pull of 1+1 booze, i would've left then and there. The bad start wasn't a sign of things to come though. Coz the evening that progressed into late night...went from worse, to bad, to good and finally better - yes in reverse order!
Armed with a vodka and surrounded by some old friends and some new acquaintances, i made my way through the endless sea of people. The best thing about this bar is that you don't have to be the best dressed, or the richest or the suavest person but you'll still find lotssa smiling faces and you'll never be alone, even if you go there alone, you always find someone you know. So post some headbanging sessions on some oldie goldie rock and a couple of vodka's, bacardi's and marlboro's later...i was a little tipsy. Not drunk i say but tipsy! The fun kindaa high.
Edged onto the dance floor by the crowd around me, i landed in the arms of possibly the most enigmatic and charming man i've ever met. And oh those baby blue eyes...well then followed some intro's and as profound a conversation that one can have in a noisy bar. Sometime over the course of the night after that, his hand landed on the small of my back. It didn't feel wierd, not that i do this on a regular basis. It stayed put there, even when i said buh-bye to my friends, even when i stubbed out my last ciggie and downed the last drop of some divine bacchus.
Finally stepped out of the joint, walking back to the car (this is the best part you know, when u're drunk enough to be swaying and then u gotta make the long trudge to ur car) there's a slight chill in the wind and stop! He stops. I stop. He pulls my arm, turns me around and kisses me. Not a friendly peck, not a drunk sloppy kiss, not even a frenchie...but just a kiss. The kinds that will make your knees go weak and send tingles down to the core of your being. Yes that one. I don't know how long it lasted, i don't even know when it ended...none of us spoke a word after that. He drove me home and that was it, not sure if i'll ever see him again.
But it was that kiss...the kinds you never forget!
xoxo
Armed with a vodka and surrounded by some old friends and some new acquaintances, i made my way through the endless sea of people. The best thing about this bar is that you don't have to be the best dressed, or the richest or the suavest person but you'll still find lotssa smiling faces and you'll never be alone, even if you go there alone, you always find someone you know. So post some headbanging sessions on some oldie goldie rock and a couple of vodka's, bacardi's and marlboro's later...i was a little tipsy. Not drunk i say but tipsy! The fun kindaa high.
Edged onto the dance floor by the crowd around me, i landed in the arms of possibly the most enigmatic and charming man i've ever met. And oh those baby blue eyes...well then followed some intro's and as profound a conversation that one can have in a noisy bar. Sometime over the course of the night after that, his hand landed on the small of my back. It didn't feel wierd, not that i do this on a regular basis. It stayed put there, even when i said buh-bye to my friends, even when i stubbed out my last ciggie and downed the last drop of some divine bacchus.
Finally stepped out of the joint, walking back to the car (this is the best part you know, when u're drunk enough to be swaying and then u gotta make the long trudge to ur car) there's a slight chill in the wind and stop! He stops. I stop. He pulls my arm, turns me around and kisses me. Not a friendly peck, not a drunk sloppy kiss, not even a frenchie...but just a kiss. The kinds that will make your knees go weak and send tingles down to the core of your being. Yes that one. I don't know how long it lasted, i don't even know when it ended...none of us spoke a word after that. He drove me home and that was it, not sure if i'll ever see him again.
But it was that kiss...the kinds you never forget!
xoxo
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
To the man who loved me... (Part II)
The bane of being blatantly honest, peering into your past and pouring your heart out. You never quite recover from the void left inside your heart, the place where all those raw emotions once resided. Well now they are all spilled out onto a blog where unknown, anonymous and sometimes familiar people can read and critique...go ahead, judge for all i care.
Well the point is that i haven't been able to stop thinking about this 'man' ever since. His voice just echos in my head...lingering on and on. Its driving me insane coz all the passion and desire that i had locked up in some dark corner of my conscience keeps tugging at my heart strings now. It seems impossible to go back to my normal life...where everything was nice, comfy and so fucking boring! All the naughty, forbidden and often titillating situations that i found myself in when he was around are just too damn juicy to forget. It was so hard to give up then...but i had to be bloody practical. And now im tiding each day, trying to keep myself from dialling his number or sending him an email.
And the icing on the cake? In the background plays our song...
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am fun again
However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you
* 311 (The Cure) - Whenever I'm Alone With You
Well the point is that i haven't been able to stop thinking about this 'man' ever since. His voice just echos in my head...lingering on and on. Its driving me insane coz all the passion and desire that i had locked up in some dark corner of my conscience keeps tugging at my heart strings now. It seems impossible to go back to my normal life...where everything was nice, comfy and so fucking boring! All the naughty, forbidden and often titillating situations that i found myself in when he was around are just too damn juicy to forget. It was so hard to give up then...but i had to be bloody practical. And now im tiding each day, trying to keep myself from dialling his number or sending him an email.
And the icing on the cake? In the background plays our song...
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am fun again
However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you
* 311 (The Cure) - Whenever I'm Alone With You
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Girl, Interrupted
Can you hug away my pain, can you kiss away my tears. Can you erase the hurt of past memories...the wounds i carry with me each day. The invisible scratches on my body, the unmistakable vaccum in my soul. If I told you that the hands that were meant to protect, the eyes i trusted, the voice i recognized...turned around and shattered my world. What does it feel like to never have had a childhood...to not remember what being 11 years old feels like. When you grow up too fast even when you don't want to. When you learn what a curse it is to be born as a woman in this world full of wolves posing as men. What would you do if I told...I am not me coz the person I could've been was slowly suffocated and murdered a long time ago. Would you hug and kiss it away and then ask me to forget. Erase and Rewind. After all, you are a man too and he is your brethren.
Tell me??
- Girl, Interrupted.
Tell me??
- Girl, Interrupted.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Is this it?
Is this it? Is this all there is to life?
Job, paycheque, shopping, partying, workouts, sex and coffee cafe's?
Guess this is the trouble with starting work so early in life..barely outta post grad and boom here i am. Was so happy that i had everything figured out. Doing what i love to do..write, make enough to last me through the month, infact now that i have all that money, im baffled about what exactly to do with it.
Don't get me wrong, im not complaining. Just that in this rat race of getting to the top as fast as possible..u feel like you've lost out on the real, simple joys of life. I don't remember the last time i stopped to do anything. Its all just getting from here to there. Monday morning blues, Tuesday workouts, Wednesday production day at work, Thursday editorial meetings, Friday assignments, Saturday getting through the day to get to ur fave drinking hole, Sunday oh damn this is my only day off so got a million chores to do. And then it all starts all over again
I might go insane like this coz i can't do this every fucking day for the rest of my life..tune it all out with my ipod plugged in but that won't last too long. Boss calls, complains that my masterpiece in words will make for a crappy article, ok here we go..rewrite it all!
I know what i need right now, a good fuck. Yea the kinds that get everything off your mind in an instant. Now where's a guy when you need one? Damn when will this day end..
Job, paycheque, shopping, partying, workouts, sex and coffee cafe's?
Guess this is the trouble with starting work so early in life..barely outta post grad and boom here i am. Was so happy that i had everything figured out. Doing what i love to do..write, make enough to last me through the month, infact now that i have all that money, im baffled about what exactly to do with it.
Don't get me wrong, im not complaining. Just that in this rat race of getting to the top as fast as possible..u feel like you've lost out on the real, simple joys of life. I don't remember the last time i stopped to do anything. Its all just getting from here to there. Monday morning blues, Tuesday workouts, Wednesday production day at work, Thursday editorial meetings, Friday assignments, Saturday getting through the day to get to ur fave drinking hole, Sunday oh damn this is my only day off so got a million chores to do. And then it all starts all over again
I might go insane like this coz i can't do this every fucking day for the rest of my life..tune it all out with my ipod plugged in but that won't last too long. Boss calls, complains that my masterpiece in words will make for a crappy article, ok here we go..rewrite it all!
I know what i need right now, a good fuck. Yea the kinds that get everything off your mind in an instant. Now where's a guy when you need one? Damn when will this day end..
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