Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Habitual Creature...

I have said it before, I'll say it again... All human beings are habitual creatures and no matter how hard we try to get out of the vicious circle of making the same mistakes again & again, we always tend to give in to our weakness aka habits. And what is so god damned precious about our habits are that they are peculiarly ours. Otherwise good judgment fails us as far as these go.

Beloved friend picked up the ciggie along with me in college... A way to tide the time in between all those missed lectures. Three years since college, two job changes and numerous smoke breaks from work has led to her terrible compulsion. A habit that forces us to sit outside in this searing heat 'cos she cannot smoke inside. Talk about being out casted. I quit the cancer stick in the first few months, after realizing that smoke smelling hair and fingers are not very becoming.

Formerly fat cousin thought it would be a good idea to go on that crash diet. The jibes and jeers finally got to her. Umpteen diet plans, almost ritualistic gymming, non-existent social life and 5 dress sizes smaller... she still vehemently monitors every morsel of food on her plate. Closet anorexic, but an up and coming runway dream to the world. I started with her but gave up midway, knowing fully well that I best get comfy in my skin now, if it is to last me a lifetime.

One time school pal and old ex came from a repressed childhood. As an adult, he thought it was okay to translate his emotions into a physical form. Started out with light pokes and slaps. Soon enough they became full fledged assaults. He is now seeking counseling for his habit. Me being witness to his actions promised myself I would never ever resort to that, no matter what my past and how much the present angers me. I took up the Israeli martial art Krav Maga to channelize that rage.

The point of such detailed scrutiny into others lives is just to highlight how one's own habits die hard. No matter what other vices you are able to deal with, there is something in life that gets to you and never lets you go.

Assumed identity SIM started seriously dating at the age of 16. Successive failed relationships, numerous bitching and TLC sessions with girlfriends over junk food and LIIT's and lots of venting blog posts such as this one later... She is a serial dater. Her crime? Dating all the wrong kind of men. Or maybe she's the wrong girl for the right men... But even knowing fully well, the kind of damaging effects these men are having on her, she keeps giving a chance to love. Her habitual crime? Hopeless romantic, even in the face of great adversity, SIM will manage to carve out her own piece of loving memories. That is perhaps the reason why she refuses to be depressed and blue.

The recurring theme is that it starts early, you get hooked and never give up. The tricky bit about my hard to break habit is that no amount of medical intervention or psycho-analytical babble will help. I got to do it myself. Just realising that very scary bit shook me out of my stupor. And putting those thoughts into words has turned out to be a purgatory exercise, almost therapeutic.
My new mantra now — When love comes knocking at the door, sneak out the window! I shall break the habit or die trying. Fight it out, be a trooper. Or as my dear buddy Viv would say, be a super trooper! I do believe I get it this time, but when I actually break the habit, I'll let you know :P