Friday, November 24, 2006

A Few Good Men... (Part II)

So as i said, this ain't the best situation to find yourself in. My diva-esque girlfriends seem to believe that it is a blessing. I got my pick from the kitty now they say...choose, use and dispose as and when i please. Hmm.
Normal women might revel in this kindda attention. i just think its a curse, coz as the years are ticking away, it seems to be getting more and more difficult to keep platonic pals. As far back as i can remember, i've always gotten along great with men. Women not so much...probably coz i detested gossiping, back-biting and bitching. ( Ahem, yes all womenkind can burn me at the stake now). It was always comfortable around men, i kicked their ass in basketball, picked up a lifelong love for cricket and the stock market and the sexual tension hadn't come into the equation to ruin things yet. And then, the inevitable happened. I lost the baby fat, cut my hair, got lenses, slung out them heels, shrunk the neckline and kissed teen years goodbye. That was it, all these men suddenly changed as well. The true-blue buddies stuck around, the rest found it too difficult to remain entirely neutral.
But i never knew that my behaviour was expected to change too. Why should it? I can still share a great conversation with a man over a cuppa joe or a glass of vino without sizing them up. For them, not so apparentely.
And these aren't the slimy, sleazebag varieties. Good, well spoken, charming but just looking to get in your pants. A fellow blogger simply explains it, 'friends who fuck'. Now this might work for some people. But i frankly don't care to be this frivolous just yet.
Maybe the thing is that i still see myself as that overweight, naive, young teen who never warranted a second glance. This sort of attention annoys me at best.
Ah, my few good men. One better than the other. Great listeners, always there for you even at 3 in the morning, the designated drivers when you drink yourself silly and pub-hopping mates when girlfriends throw a thousand excuses. I don't wanna lose them to this menace called sex.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

A Few Good Men... (Part I)

Where have all the good men vanished? I hate that question...whatdya mean where've they vanished? Do my girlfriends know that my male friends are asking the same question? Its just a matter of looking at the right places. Now if you expect to find love from a one-night stand (no, im not judging. that does happen) or from speed dating (again, nay sayers, plz hang on) then that is your prerogative. In my experience, more often than not, its a person you've known for ages, or a cousin of a friend or sometimes even that random acquaintance you met on a social networking site.
Oops im straying from the real intention of this post, while women are complaining about a dearth of eligible men out there, im stuck in a curious situation...don't hate me for sounding presumptuous here (oh what the hell, see if i care, go right ahead) but three men who matter a great deal in my life have all of a sudden decided they have less than platonic feelings for me. Yes, three is a crowd! My life is getting a male overload here. An 18 year old media contact who became a close pal, a fellow classmate i've known since preschool, and a 28 year old potential soulmate but no sexual chemistry prospect. All of them, like a jolt of lightning, spread over the past 2 weeks have made it quite clear that they don't wanna be 'just friends' anymore.
The three of 'em are as different as chalk, cheese and umm...potato? Hehe, for lack of a better word. And what a vast age gap, the young one would qualify as me rocking the cradle and the oldest as a sugar daddy! I adore them all in very distinct ways but what the hell is going on? Do i have a signpost around my neck saying 'open for business'? This is not a great, oh i am so flattered, what an ego boost situation people. It feels horrible to dodge advances from men who you care for...

(To be continued)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

That Kiss

Media Night at the neighbourhood bar means an added excuse to drown out the mid week there i was, ready to drink and make merry! Bursting at the seams, strangely bombarded with a huge foreign crowd (highely unusual, whatever happened to the chic loungey places they hang out in, anyways) and an influx of teeny boppers...Boy, oh boy whats happening to this place. If not for an almost empty wallet and the pull of 1+1 booze, i would've left then and there. The bad start wasn't a sign of things to come though. Coz the evening that progressed into late night...went from worse, to bad, to good and finally better - yes in reverse order!
Armed with a vodka and surrounded by some old friends and some new acquaintances, i made my way through the endless sea of people. The best thing about this bar is that you don't have to be the best dressed, or the richest or the suavest person but you'll still find lotssa smiling faces and you'll never be alone, even if you go there alone, you always find someone you know. So post some headbanging sessions on some oldie goldie rock and a couple of vodka's, bacardi's and marlboro's later...i was a little tipsy. Not drunk i say but tipsy! The fun kindaa high.
Edged onto the dance floor by the crowd around me, i landed in the arms of possibly the most enigmatic and charming man i've ever met. And oh those baby blue eyes...well then followed some intro's and as profound a conversation that one can have in a noisy bar. Sometime over the course of the night after that, his hand landed on the small of my back. It didn't feel wierd, not that i do this on a regular basis. It stayed put there, even when i said buh-bye to my friends, even when i stubbed out my last ciggie and downed the last drop of some divine bacchus.
Finally stepped out of the joint, walking back to the car (this is the best part you know, when u're drunk enough to be swaying and then u gotta make the long trudge to ur car) there's a slight chill in the wind and stop! He stops. I stop. He pulls my arm, turns me around and kisses me. Not a friendly peck, not a drunk sloppy kiss, not even a frenchie...but just a kiss. The kinds that will make your knees go weak and send tingles down to the core of your being. Yes that one. I don't know how long it lasted, i don't even know when it ended...none of us spoke a word after that. He drove me home and that was it, not sure if i'll ever see him again.
But it was that kiss...the kinds you never forget!


Tuesday, November 14, 2006

To the man who loved me... (Part II)

The bane of being blatantly honest, peering into your past and pouring your heart out. You never quite recover from the void left inside your heart, the place where all those raw emotions once resided. Well now they are all spilled out onto a blog where unknown, anonymous and sometimes familiar people can read and critique...go ahead, judge for all i care.
Well the point is that i haven't been able to stop thinking about this 'man' ever since. His voice just echos in my head...lingering on and on. Its driving me insane coz all the passion and desire that i had locked up in some dark corner of my conscience keeps tugging at my heart strings now. It seems impossible to go back to my normal life...where everything was nice, comfy and so fucking boring! All the naughty, forbidden and often titillating situations that i found myself in when he was around are just too damn juicy to forget. It was so hard to give up then...but i had to be bloody practical. And now im tiding each day, trying to keep myself from dialling his number or sending him an email.
And the icing on the cake? In the background plays our song...

Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am whole again

Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am young again
Whenever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am fun again

However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you

* 311 (The Cure) - Whenever I'm Alone With You

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Girl, Interrupted

Can you hug away my pain, can you kiss away my tears. Can you erase the hurt of past memories...the wounds i carry with me each day. The invisible scratches on my body, the unmistakable vaccum in my soul. If I told you that the hands that were meant to protect, the eyes i trusted, the voice i recognized...turned around and shattered my world. What does it feel like to never have had a not remember what being 11 years old feels like. When you grow up too fast even when you don't want to. When you learn what a curse it is to be born as a woman in this world full of wolves posing as men. What would you do if I told...I am not me coz the person I could've been was slowly suffocated and murdered a long time ago. Would you hug and kiss it away and then ask me to forget. Erase and Rewind. After all, you are a man too and he is your brethren.
Tell me??

- Girl, Interrupted.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Is this it?

Is this it? Is this all there is to life?
Job, paycheque, shopping, partying, workouts, sex and coffee cafe's?
Guess this is the trouble with starting work so early in life..barely outta post grad and boom here i am. Was so happy that i had everything figured out. Doing what i love to do..write, make enough to last me through the month, infact now that i have all that money, im baffled about what exactly to do with it.
Don't get me wrong, im not complaining. Just that in this rat race of getting to the top as fast as possible..u feel like you've lost out on the real, simple joys of life. I don't remember the last time i stopped to do anything. Its all just getting from here to there. Monday morning blues, Tuesday workouts, Wednesday production day at work, Thursday editorial meetings, Friday assignments, Saturday getting through the day to get to ur fave drinking hole, Sunday oh damn this is my only day off so got a million chores to do. And then it all starts all over again
I might go insane like this coz i can't do this every fucking day for the rest of my life..tune it all out with my ipod plugged in but that won't last too long. Boss calls, complains that my masterpiece in words will make for a crappy article, ok here we go..rewrite it all!
I know what i need right now, a good fuck. Yea the kinds that get everything off your mind in an instant. Now where's a guy when you need one? Damn when will this day end..

Sunday, November 05, 2006

To the man who loved me...

Everyone always says, spend ur life with the one who loves you rather than the one you love. This post is dedicated to the man who loved me...the one I couldn't dare to love...the one I let go.

The first day of my post grad, in orientation class...I saw him. Sitting in a corner, almost sunk into the bench, not coz he was daunted by the 80 odd students there but coz he was a rebel, the kindda guy who wont just be nice to you for the heck of it. Long hair, a 6'o clock stubble and scruffed up jeans. The opposite of everything I’ve ever liked in a man. I was seated right in front of him...and when the mandatory intro' line reached him, he looked up (I’ll never forget those eyes) stared right in my direction and muttered some random things as if he was speaking only to me. That was it, a lightening bolt rushed right through me. I don't think he noticed me that day…but I couldn't get him off my mind. We had only 1 class together, every other day, and that’s all I cared about. Getting there, hoping he'd look at me.
This was a first for me, usually I’m not the one doing the chasing…especially not for a guy who didn't seem to know I existed and was only bothered with his music. Yes he was a musician...what else? 3 months of dodging any direct contact with him but still wishing he'd come my way...and one fine day, after class...he stared at my tee shirt and made some cheeky comment about the graffiti on it. Now if it was any other guy, i would've slapped him, actually I don't think any other guy would've had the guts to say what he did to me coz I’ve been told I’m pretty intimidating.
Anyways, I was so stumped by his words that I gave some stupid comeback and ran out. Next day, mortified as hell…I ran into him again, this time he was talking to one of my friends...when she saw me, she waved me over. I couldn’t help it, I had to go...and give him a noncommittal hi. Well they finished their conversation, he turned towards me and said, 'btw what’s your number?' and I gave it to him. Just like that, without thinking.
He called that very day and that was it...that’s where it all started. Apparently news travelled fast in this college and within 2 weeks, everyone knew. They were so fascinated and dumbfounded by the fact that we were together. Wherever we went, we could feel their eyes on us...waiting and watching. They said we two were too darn individualistic and hot headed to last and that anytime fireworks would go off.
Well they did…emotionally and physically. He brought out a side of me I never knew existed. One touch, one kiss, one look was enough to melt me. We talked endlessly, the sex went on for hours and he sang, just for me. Everything was perfect. Too damn perfect actually. Something's gotta give. It did.
He got too intense, too fast, I got scared, and I was too young. He was at a point in his life where he wanted me to commit, I couldn't. My parents hated him and I didn't have money to support myself if they kicked me out. I let him know that, he couldn't handle it. He wanted all or nothing…said he couldn't live without me. And then came the heart wrenching, desperate pleas, helpless blackmail, good and bad memories...I spent those days in a blur...and then I ran away. I was too afraid. I couldn’t give myself to him completely. I couldn’t trust another person and promise him an eternity when I didn’t even know where I would be tomorrow.
It lasted all of 6 months. The best, the worst, the happiest yet the saddest months of my life. I have no contact with him now. Couldn’t bear to. But I think about him everyday and thank him for teaching me how to feel.
This is the song he sang for me…its his pain

Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
and sharpened nails seem softer
And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

Imagine pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the film

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an Anorexia life

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Open fire on the needs designed
Open fire on my knees desires
On my knees for you

*Ana's Song (Open Fire) by Silverchair

Thursday, November 02, 2006

No sex in the city...

Well literally and figuratively..i know its become cliched now..the show ended a long time ago and with it ended the exciting sex lives of many a viewer who watched each characters sexual escapades & mishaps as if they were their own..and lived vicariously thru the lives of these 4 fictional women (if you don't know wat show im talking about, then u've probably been living under a rock, in which case..welcome back to civilization). But enough said about that.
This post is for all the ppl around me complaining about not getting any. Yes its you..My boss, my fave colleague, my workout buddy, my best pal, my school one seems to be having any sex..where has it all vanished? Aren't ppl having orgasms anymore, have men actually found something better to do than sex, where are all the freaking babies coming from then?
I mean what's this obsession with the carnal act? They are more stressed when u aren't indulging in the deed, you eat more, you work more, you party more..anything to fill up that void left by the non presence of someone in your life who can make you forget everything for that little while and bring you to sweet release!
The funniest part is that these women aren't just the prudish, ice princesses who stub their noses if the guy isn't a perfect match...this list of 'we aren't getting any' include women who are up for one night stands and one night lay's (the difference between the two deserves a whole post in itself), multiple partners, menage a trois' and even a steady yet brief affair. Still with all that male population swarming around, women are complaining that there's nothing out there.
Now this is the trouble with being successful, single and ready to mingle. And self-servicing will only get you that far. So all you men, listen up! Get your act together, spruce up a little and go find these said women. Do it for the good of womankind..we need some ah's and ooh's..and yes some seconds ;)
Maybe im so nonchalant about the whole thing coz im pretty much happy and contended but one can never have enough can we now!?

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Work is worship...!!??

Really, work is worship..for who there actually someone out there who believes so? Maybe a priest..but even then its a routine job for him too.
Now im not complaining, i got one of the best..umm ok on second thought..better jobs in the world and the icing on the cake is that it all happened quite by accident. No struggles for me..but yes i have to work extra hard to prove that just coz i was lucky to get this job doesn't mean i don't deserve it.
Eating, Partying, Reading, Exploring, Observing and Writing about it all..plz do not confuse me for a page3 reporter, that i am not! I evade all such society event invites by cleverly delegating them to another fellow comrade.
But you know what sucks about my job? When other people make a mistake, only their bosses and immediate colleagues know about it, but when we journo's make a mistake..the whole bloody town is reading about it. And then they are free to make their own critiques and judgements and even write in to us telling us about everything wrong we are doing. Coz surprisingly, people still seem to hold the written word in some holy sanctimony. Everything else they've stopped trusting.. but its written so it must be true and absolutely accurate...hang on, we journos are humans too you know.
I love my work..but its not who i am..its just what i do.