I have said it before, I'll say it again... All human beings are habitual creatures and no matter how hard we try to get out of the vicious circle of making the same mistakes again & again, we always tend to give in to our weakness aka habits. And what is so god damned precious about our habits are that they are peculiarly ours. Otherwise good judgment fails us as far as these go.
Beloved friend picked up the ciggie along with me in college... A way to tide the time in between all those missed lectures. Three years since college, two job changes and numerous smoke breaks from work has led to her terrible compulsion. A habit that forces us to sit outside in this searing heat 'cos she cannot smoke inside. Talk about being out casted. I quit the cancer stick in the first few months, after realizing that smoke smelling hair and fingers are not very becoming.
Formerly fat cousin thought it would be a good idea to go on that crash diet. The jibes and jeers finally got to her. Umpteen diet plans, almost ritualistic gymming, non-existent social life and 5 dress sizes smaller... she still vehemently monitors every morsel of food on her plate. Closet anorexic, but an up and coming runway dream to the world. I started with her but gave up midway, knowing fully well that I best get comfy in my skin now, if it is to last me a lifetime.
One time school pal and old ex came from a repressed childhood. As an adult, he thought it was okay to translate his emotions into a physical form. Started out with light pokes and slaps. Soon enough they became full fledged assaults. He is now seeking counseling for his habit. Me being witness to his actions promised myself I would never ever resort to that, no matter what my past and how much the present angers me. I took up the Israeli martial art Krav Maga to channelize that rage.
The point of such detailed scrutiny into others lives is just to highlight how one's own habits die hard. No matter what other vices you are able to deal with, there is something in life that gets to you and never lets you go.
Assumed identity SIM started seriously dating at the age of 16. Successive failed relationships, numerous bitching and TLC sessions with girlfriends over junk food and LIIT's and lots of venting blog posts such as this one later... She is a serial dater. Her crime? Dating all the wrong kind of men. Or maybe she's the wrong girl for the right men... But even knowing fully well, the kind of damaging effects these men are having on her, she keeps giving a chance to love. Her habitual crime? Hopeless romantic, even in the face of great adversity, SIM will manage to carve out her own piece of loving memories. That is perhaps the reason why she refuses to be depressed and blue.
The recurring theme is that it starts early, you get hooked and never give up. The tricky bit about my hard to break habit is that no amount of medical intervention or psycho-analytical babble will help. I got to do it myself. Just realising that very scary bit shook me out of my stupor. And putting those thoughts into words has turned out to be a purgatory exercise, almost therapeutic.
My new mantra now — When love comes knocking at the door, sneak out the window! I shall break the habit or die trying. Fight it out, be a trooper. Or as my dear buddy Viv would say, be a super trooper! I do believe I get it this time, but when I actually break the habit, I'll let you know :P
10 comments:
*shakes head. disagrees with the assumed identity SIM*
Fall in love. Every fuckin chance you get!
That is perhaps the reason why she refuses to be depressed and blue.
:)
@ crimson
SIM will still fall in love, just not with the wrong men :)
killer post, really enjoyed reading it.
related to a lot of it and happy to see someone else saying something like "best get comfy in my skin now, if it is to last me a lifetime."
you talked about your dating and not losing hope even when it feels terrible. well a lot of people take this the wrong way, but I think we need that. i mean without the horrible shit happening, how can you truly appreciate the great stuff?
and my view (hence the cynic tag) is that the world is by nature a pretty crappy place. but given that im a humanist who doesnt believe in god or religion in the conventional terms, life is literally what we make of it.
if gods got a grand plan we're all a part of then who cares? but if he doesnt.. since we dont know either way, i figure lifes a series of moments, usually either unremarkable or bad, the good ones are often few and far between. but when you get old, those are the ones that stick. and the only way to keep getting them is to have hope.
hope is the cornerstone of human existence. dont lose it.
Cheers..
(i should make a blog post out of all these looong comments I leave on peoples blog yknow? :D)
@ duder
humble thanks for the creds as always :P most people who I know and who've read this post haven't bothered to comment and told me face to face, what a cynic I am turning out to be. I never thought saying that you wanna step back and take in the rest of the good things that life has to offer and saying I won't be running behind a man's love was such a bad thing! No one seems to have paid attention to the fact that I wrote it out to show how even something as basic as 'Love' can become a habit. And I don't want it to be. I want it to come hit me if its meant to, out of the blue. not to have to cultivate it. anyways...
you can easily make a post on long comments, and I can make one on even longer replies :P
HA! mayhaps we should start a 'comments only' blog where ever post is a set of comments by us! :D
but seriously, at times like this I listen to a track called Breakdown by jack johnson, the spirit of that track and another one called constellations describes the feeling perfectly..
i think whats confusing you is this: folks talk about life and the things we have to do and achieve and blah, blah, blah... but the bottom line is that there is NO ONE FORMULA for success in life. to each his own!
lifes what you make it and we convince ourselves of the "big" things we're told to do and their import.. the true secret is to realise that its the small things that are really the big things.. they are what make you what you are and keep you happy and honest. they are what you remember when your mind is addled and aged and all..
ok, im done..
I don't want to sound patronizing .. really ... but my heart goes out to you! I don't know about being cynical (I'm often accused of that myself) but when I read this one I sense a feeling of despair. And frustration.
So no advice or platitudes from me. No one needs those from a stranger anyway :)
But I sincerely hope you kick your habit (if you really want to) but you're still lucky enough to find your thunderbolt :)
Hang in there super trooper!
@ dude
totally...we can call it 'comment cornucopia' :P
I agree with your theory there, I don't understand why one needs to focus on finding someone else in your life to make it complete and 'normal'
@ nutty
Thanks for your concern, although I wish it was that simple. More than frustration, I look back at all of this with humour cos things such as 'love' should not be taken so seriously. Simply described by a Hindi couplet, "aur bhi gam hai zamaane mein, mohabbat ke elaava." (there is a lot more pain in life, other than love)...touche!
thats not a bad idea!
and going by some of the crappy standards in published 'literature' in some quarters nowadays Im sure it would be a global bestseller!
as far as the finding people bit goes, well my guess would be social conditioning.. we are creatures of habit as you pointed out and these societal garbages we're force fed are hard to let go. A few manage to think enough outside the box and grow as individuals, others (sadly the majority most often) tend to eventually always revert to the closeted mentality theyve been brainwashed with..
i'd love to sneak out of the window when love comes knocking at my door or rather i think tis knocking. i don't even wanna think it is haha!
@ utopia
run girl, run the moment you hear even an inkling of a knock.
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