To the man who loved me...

Everyone always says, spend ur life with the one who loves you rather than the one you love. This post is dedicated to the man who loved me...the one I couldn't dare to love...the one I let go.

The first day of my post grad, in orientation class...I saw him. Sitting in a corner, almost sunk into the bench, not coz he was daunted by the 80 odd students there but coz he was a rebel, the kindda guy who wont just be nice to you for the heck of it. Long hair, a 6'o clock stubble and scruffed up jeans. The opposite of everything I’ve ever liked in a man. I was seated right in front of him...and when the mandatory intro' line reached him, he looked up (I’ll never forget those eyes) stared right in my direction and muttered some random things as if he was speaking only to me. That was it, a lightening bolt rushed right through me. I don't think he noticed me that day…but I couldn't get him off my mind. We had only 1 class together, every other day, and that’s all I cared about. Getting there, hoping he'd look at me.
This was a first for me, usually I’m not the one doing the chasing…especially not for a guy who didn't seem to know I existed and was only bothered with his music. Yes he was a musician...what else? 3 months of dodging any direct contact with him but still wishing he'd come my way...and one fine day, after class...he stared at my tee shirt and made some cheeky comment about the graffiti on it. Now if it was any other guy, i would've slapped him, actually I don't think any other guy would've had the guts to say what he did to me coz I’ve been told I’m pretty intimidating.
Anyways, I was so stumped by his words that I gave some stupid comeback and ran out. Next day, mortified as hell…I ran into him again, this time he was talking to one of my friends...when she saw me, she waved me over. I couldn’t help it, I had to go...and give him a noncommittal hi. Well they finished their conversation, he turned towards me and said, 'btw what’s your number?' and I gave it to him. Just like that, without thinking.
He called that very day and that was it...that’s where it all started. Apparently news travelled fast in this college and within 2 weeks, everyone knew. They were so fascinated and dumbfounded by the fact that we were together. Wherever we went, we could feel their eyes on us...waiting and watching. They said we two were too darn individualistic and hot headed to last and that anytime fireworks would go off.
Well they did…emotionally and physically. He brought out a side of me I never knew existed. One touch, one kiss, one look was enough to melt me. We talked endlessly, the sex went on for hours and he sang, just for me. Everything was perfect. Too damn perfect actually. Something's gotta give. It did.
He got too intense, too fast, I got scared, and I was too young. He was at a point in his life where he wanted me to commit, I couldn't. My parents hated him and I didn't have money to support myself if they kicked me out. I let him know that, he couldn't handle it. He wanted all or nothing…said he couldn't live without me. And then came the heart wrenching, desperate pleas, helpless blackmail, good and bad memories...I spent those days in a blur...and then I ran away. I was too afraid. I couldn’t give myself to him completely. I couldn’t trust another person and promise him an eternity when I didn’t even know where I would be tomorrow.
It lasted all of 6 months. The best, the worst, the happiest yet the saddest months of my life. I have no contact with him now. Couldn’t bear to. But I think about him everyday and thank him for teaching me how to feel.
This is the song he sang for me…its his pain

Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
and sharpened nails seem softer
And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

Imagine pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the film

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an Anorexia life

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Open fire on the needs designed
Open fire on my knees desires
On my knees for you

*Ana's Song (Open Fire) by Silverchair