Sunday, November 05, 2006

To the man who loved me...

Everyone always says, spend ur life with the one who loves you rather than the one you love. This post is dedicated to the man who loved me...the one I couldn't dare to love...the one I let go.

The first day of my post grad, in orientation class...I saw him. Sitting in a corner, almost sunk into the bench, not coz he was daunted by the 80 odd students there but coz he was a rebel, the kindda guy who wont just be nice to you for the heck of it. Long hair, a 6'o clock stubble and scruffed up jeans. The opposite of everything I’ve ever liked in a man. I was seated right in front of him...and when the mandatory intro' line reached him, he looked up (I’ll never forget those eyes) stared right in my direction and muttered some random things as if he was speaking only to me. That was it, a lightening bolt rushed right through me. I don't think he noticed me that day…but I couldn't get him off my mind. We had only 1 class together, every other day, and that’s all I cared about. Getting there, hoping he'd look at me.
This was a first for me, usually I’m not the one doing the chasing…especially not for a guy who didn't seem to know I existed and was only bothered with his music. Yes he was a musician...what else? 3 months of dodging any direct contact with him but still wishing he'd come my way...and one fine day, after class...he stared at my tee shirt and made some cheeky comment about the graffiti on it. Now if it was any other guy, i would've slapped him, actually I don't think any other guy would've had the guts to say what he did to me coz I’ve been told I’m pretty intimidating.
Anyways, I was so stumped by his words that I gave some stupid comeback and ran out. Next day, mortified as hell…I ran into him again, this time he was talking to one of my friends...when she saw me, she waved me over. I couldn’t help it, I had to go...and give him a noncommittal hi. Well they finished their conversation, he turned towards me and said, 'btw what’s your number?' and I gave it to him. Just like that, without thinking.
He called that very day and that was it...that’s where it all started. Apparently news travelled fast in this college and within 2 weeks, everyone knew. They were so fascinated and dumbfounded by the fact that we were together. Wherever we went, we could feel their eyes on us...waiting and watching. They said we two were too darn individualistic and hot headed to last and that anytime fireworks would go off.
Well they did…emotionally and physically. He brought out a side of me I never knew existed. One touch, one kiss, one look was enough to melt me. We talked endlessly, the sex went on for hours and he sang, just for me. Everything was perfect. Too damn perfect actually. Something's gotta give. It did.
He got too intense, too fast, I got scared, and I was too young. He was at a point in his life where he wanted me to commit, I couldn't. My parents hated him and I didn't have money to support myself if they kicked me out. I let him know that, he couldn't handle it. He wanted all or nothing…said he couldn't live without me. And then came the heart wrenching, desperate pleas, helpless blackmail, good and bad memories...I spent those days in a blur...and then I ran away. I was too afraid. I couldn’t give myself to him completely. I couldn’t trust another person and promise him an eternity when I didn’t even know where I would be tomorrow.
It lasted all of 6 months. The best, the worst, the happiest yet the saddest months of my life. I have no contact with him now. Couldn’t bear to. But I think about him everyday and thank him for teaching me how to feel.
This is the song he sang for me…its his pain

Please die Ana
For as long as you're here we're not
You make the sound of laughter
and sharpened nails seem softer
And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

Imagine pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker
Sandpaper tears corrode the film

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

And you're my obsession
I love you to the bones
And Ana wrecks your life
Like an Anorexia life

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you
Open fire on the needs designed
Open fire on my knees desires
On my knees for you

*Ana's Song (Open Fire) by Silverchair

10 comments:

The Cat said...

the song is beautiful. and this post made me realise something quite important, cause I belong to the other school of thought--i believe in the 'all or nothing' maxim. this cleared something for me..

jairaj said...

not a very happy story...:(

Unknown said...

i love to love and love to keep,
but when the love you love to keep,
gets up, leaves and leaves you bereaved

or per chance when its you who let go,
of the love you would have loved to keep,
what else is left, but to love the love and silently, weep?

all meshed up said...

nicely written, makes me wonder though...its all out here, in the most tangible manner it can be...yet it ceases to last long enough..always somehow

Anonymous said...

ola ma'am..

1. we have the bare minimum of 'commonality' as per your 'about me' page in blogspot...(not that it matters...kinda shoot my blood spattered mouth all over the place...:))

2.loved loved loved your horrendously honest blog...this is along with the previous...'thrust of the matter' wale posts too...

allow a cyber pimp to :

thelastandtheleast.wordpress.com

as in russian...
cpasiba...
ani

- Aye Davanita said...

To begin with, I was calling anahat a sissy - not you.

And just like you assumed i was calling you a sissy, you also seem to assume that all i want out of life is "meaningless sex"... and so i preach the same.

If you really paid attention to my comment on Anahat's blog - you'll notice that my point was in some ways was similar to your angry comment on my blog - that just like the song, there is a "time to live, a time to heal"... etc. etc... a time to introspect.

NOW... being that i've known Anahat for hmmm... 25 even years - I think I'm fairly well positioned to call him a bloody sissy in his "time of introspection".

SO -
(a) i don't think you should presume to know (let alone judge) my objectives or aspirations in life - (i.e. meaningless sex). Aside from the simple fact that your are wrong - i never said it was "meaningless"... i can go on... and on... and on.

(b) in truth, and setting aside my general saracasm and penchant for humor (much effort required) - i stick by my "sissy" comment to anahat. Fact is, yes -you can't go through life as a slut - but you can't go through life second-guessing EVERY bloody move you make. Introspection is good if you're using it for something.

Fact: He spent a long-ass blog apologizing for a dozen things and blaming himself for some sort of "failure" in his relationships.

(a) sheer acknowledgement of a wrong-doing absolves you of nothing! so what is your kudos for? his courage? He has done nothing courageous but acknowledge wrong-doing. It is the ACTION that defines courage. I'll wait for that. (Personally i don't think he's failed anywhere but whatever...)

(b) beating yourself up over the past is a waste of time. They're just bloody relationships - glamorized and time-stamped like commercials. I've known him well before his tatts dropped and will be well informed when he meets his match (THEN - its a different story).

As far as the "meaningless sex" goes. As most presumptious human beings (myself included) don't make the two commonest mistakes of:
1. Undermining biological/natural will.
2. Placing far too great an emphasis on "meaning" as attached by us humans to the act of sex. "Meaning" is a nice carpet we've strewn together in our MOST arrogant objective of logically defining our "Purpose" on this planet.

Note: I like your blog - keep writing.

- Aye Davanita said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
- Aye Davanita said...

yea yea - aimed at him ya...

its what i do by the way...

i am responsible for the emotional and mental torture of everyone in our group.

it is my responsibility thus to keep Anahat in line - can't let him slip past without getting an earful and a "sissy" comment every now and then.

:-)

InExile said...

please post something new :)
i need to read something good today..

- Aye Davanita said...

oh - and trust me - anahat's wrong - not knowing someone is not a pretext for me to be an ass to them. Again, its what I do - moreso - its what I enjoy doing. I can't help it anymore - i'm just naturally an ass... or a dick... as the circumstances may demand.

:-)

you have balls though. lend them to anahat when you can spare em'.